“So how many kids do you have?”
A question that makes me take a deep breath, knowing what’s coming and that I have to quickly pop on a bit of armour, in case of the inevitable well-intended but ultimately dismissive reply.
Finally, after years of fumbling and not feeling terribly comfortable with the lack of impact that comes with me saying, “We have two daughters – (Lolly) who’s 3 and Ellanor passed away when she was a baby, she would have been x this year,” I have discovered what I’m going to say.
I was sitting with Steve watching Avatar in 3D the other night. Now, don’t ask me why this came to me while I was there, for it’s not really a movie where your mind can wander. But apparently, mine did.
I was thinking about the fact that, no matter how much I know Ellanor has meant to us and how “long” we had with her before she died (I get the feeling, often, that many people don’t realise that not all prem babies are ‘unresponsive’ and ‘just lie there’), whenever I describe us as having had 2 children “but just the one at home” or similar, it doesn’t convey the incredible impact nor the inclusive nature of us as a family of four, even though one of us isn’t here.
The sentence formed easily in my free-thinking mind. I’m very satisfied with how it sits, with me, and that it clearly indicates Ellanor is far from “dead and gone”. Her essence has changed and shaped not only her parents, individually and as a couple, but also the nature of our parenting and how our family now functions. That kind of impact ought never to be unrealised, even in brief exchanges (where people would naturally have an understanding more of ‘a family with two children’ as opposed to the more alien ‘family with one living and one dead child’.
So from now on, I’m going to be saying proudly to people who ask,
“We have two children – (Lolly) who’s 3 and Ellanor who’s been in our family for six years but passed away as a baby.”
That's a lovely way to word it. <3
I really like it – seems to sum it up perfectly.
And I just got freeaked out with Clarinda's name appearing there as it looks like mine!
yep, that's a very good choice of words there
Yes, this oldie but goodie hot button topic. This has been on my mind recently too, as I was much better at phrasing it when I had one living child. Now I have two and I find it even more awkward to include little K in my summation. So sadly I often don't anymore, even though it cuts me to the heart when I hear myself omit her. It's almost like I feel the receiver of the information will think it less relevant as I do have two here now, so what's another from the distant past, they each have a sibling here now so why mention it? This is all in my own head of course, surmising reactions from other people, although not completely baseless, I have been brushed off with comments like 'yes but look what you've got now…" These kind of invalidations chink away at that armour so carefully constructed.
So when you said this… "That kind of impact ought never to be unrealised, even in brief exchanges" I almost burst into tears. You are right of course, how dare I lessen her place in our lives by picking and choosing whom I tell. The more we bereaved parents mention our passed on children the less taboo the subject will become out there. Once again a lesson learned by me from you dear friend.
The sentence you have chosen does the job nicely for you I think. And I agree it works really well to have a standard response as then you are less likely to mumble or stumble over the words and the emotional reality behind it.
Perfect for you and your family of four, Kirrily.
Much love to you all xxx
And knowing you K, it would be that you would have been trying to protect the other party from realising that impact. : )
Sometimes I think human nature has a way of downplaying things so that not too many questions are asked for fear of the comments such as alliecat mentioned.
Glad you found something that sits well with you.
Perfect!
Thinking of you all at this time K xox
Thank you everyone xo
Clarissa, I did the same thing!
Alliecat, it's very true – almost like a duty-bound thing (not that that's the upmost intention) to pave a bit of an easier way for those parents that go after us, along the same road. If that's one little thing to come out of us losing our babies, then I know I have to try xx Don't you?
I really enjoyed this post, and I have a question
Years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I was cheerfully chatting to a lady in my workplace and I asked her how many children she had. Two, came the reply. I then asked how old they were, she replied that one was three and the other had died as a newborn.
It totally floored me, I didn't know what to say or where to look. Did I ask what happened and seem nosey? Or should I say something like 'I'm sorry for your loss' and sound glib or insincere, even though I most certainly wasn't? Or should I just bring up the latest episode of Friends and seem uncaring… It all got really awkward and I started babbling about how terrible it must have been and felt like such a clumsy idiot.
In all honesty I'm still not sure I'd know how to react tactfully to the news a person had suffered such a terrible loss. So please, do you have any hints? What is a sensible, tactful response to the news that a person has lost a child?
Many thanks
Cait
Wonderful choice of words.
A choice of words that conveys family. Lovely.
And also… As usual Cait an insightful question, posed beautifully.
Cait – Mmmm, very valid question deserving of attention. And with an answer deserving of its own blog post in reply. Gimme a week? Cheers.
A week or how ever long it takes
No rush.I so appreciate you taking the time to answer my question. Many thanks.
Cait
I usually reply with I have had 3 babies. Boyd who is 5, Ashleigh who would be 3 and Bianca is 1. We lost Ashleigh to SIDS as a baby.
Sometimes this floors people, but I choose to recognise her – most of the time.
There are times where it is just simpler to say either 3 or 2…. but I like your answer… Im going to try it on for size.
x