If someone said to you, “I got to know my daughter before she was conceived”…. how would you react? What is your initial gut-response?
While I have experienced that amazing way to have a relationship, it’s like I want proof myself that it all actually happened – all I have are my memories and the blessed fact that I shared much of our conversations with people around me (I discussed this with Steve, with a few family members and so forth while I was going through it, thankfully, so it’s not all new to them). And you know what? I was hanging out for the day when Ella would be old enough so I could ask her if she had any recollection of it all. She was so bloody in-tune with her ESP, I thought surely she’d be able to spin me out! As it turns out, I have Lolly who is touched by a similar brush to her sister, but wouldn’t you know it, she remained the purse-lipped poker player the ENTIRE pregnancy and well into her first year. Now, of course, she has proven, in her own unique and innocent way, her abilities – she is guarded as a mystic where I think Ella is so much more accessible and open and perhaps why I had such different relationships with both the girls as I carried them.
Sometimes, I feel like I haven’t taken any steps at all – even though, of course, I know I have – for I still shy away from “admitting” this part of my story with Ellanor. Our way of communicating is written plainly, and discussed frankly, in the book. But when I think about the wider world out there, and of telling anyone in it what I went through (communicating with Ella before she was even a speck of material matter), I honestly feel like folding my laptop slowly and stepping away from the entire project.
I am afraid of people not “believing” me. Can you believe it??!! After all this time, I am still afraid of this. More personal work to do. Obviously. And here I was, thinking editing was my major concern!
I watched The Lovely Bones, finally, the other night. I had read the book about three years ago and knew I would have to brace myself to see the movie, because so much of the way that little girl lives alongside her family is so, so achingly familiar. It’s confronting to watch it, in live action, so plainly illustrated on film…. and how can it be, that this story-teller, Alice Sebold, could know so much about how I gathered Ellanor’s existence to be? Around us, but unable to be seen or heard? But then, sometimes I have heard her – since her death – just not as often as before she was born. Because now, I suppose, our relationship is so changed. Before, she was this unrealised entity. A funny, bold, graceful, ideology of love and joy. Now, she is first and foremost my daughter – not quite so freeing, that relationship, for I wanted for the longest time to hold on tight to the memory of her in her tiny baby body – and our work/unity together has been affected and effected by her death and my growth.
Hahhhhhhh. I dunno. Sometimes, I just don’t know if I can hold up to the disbelieving wider world. This blog is one thing, one comparatively miniscule audience. “Out there”, I feel protective of what I know. On the other hand, and ultimately, though, I am not honouring all she has shown me if I don’t keep going.
Can’t I stop now? I want my blankie and intravenous thick hot chocolates and a big comfy armchair while I decide.
For me – my reaction is an "Awww" feeling and a wish it had been that way for me. I have no doubt at all that that was/is the way it is for you. I wish I was more intune. I saw my daughter before she was conceived – sort of like a 'spark' of light that flittered around like a butterfly. Only once, and I have trouble believing that I did – but at the time I told my hubby and I wrote of it in my journal.
I think maybe some people won't believe it – but maybe they won't be the people reading your book. I guess it's like anything spiritual – some people believe, some don't… and each person's level of belief or experience is entirely personal and hard to be truely understood by someone else.
I do understand your hesitation – it's like if people don't believe that is how it was, it makes it a little less real – when it's a most precious beautiful part of your ongoing relationship with Ella. I think it's human nature to want to be heard and understood 100%, not doubted.
You have courage in abundance… what's that saying? "feel the fear, and do it anyway?"
People may not be as cycnical as you fear. They may surprise and delight you with their reactions. Religions might be failing the world over but people are still spiritual and still have a need for it. I think you should just be honest and upfront – as you always have been. You'll find it hard to live with your decision if you do otherwise.
Judi: Interesting (about your experience with your daughter). I really enjoy hearing things like that. And they are really common. Which must mean, there are plenty of people ready and willing to tell their stories, so I won't be so out of place as I might think… Hmm thanks, you have got me thinking!
Steve: You really ought to do this for a living. Be a professional supportive commenter… or something. What a wise and true answer you've given (again).
Hmmm, tough one. Because not everyone will believe you, just because that is the way the world is. But I get what you are saying about being protective of that, because it did happen and you want people to take that as fact as they will most everything else in the book. Afterall, it is an important chapter of your collective stories. It's important that all is taken as truth for the story to have full impact and meaning.
But I guess it is not all that different to telling a story and having people understand and care. Not everyone will be sympathetic and want to hear (about baby death for example). Maybe if you structure it like that in your head it will be easier to push on. That you can't control how others perceive ANY of it, but only your response to any feedback you get. And I imagine most will be very, very postive. You are brave, and maybe this test of confidence is all part of the plan.
Oh, and FWIW, I wish I had a little of your gift. You are so very fortunate to still have little pieces of time with your girl, and I know you realise that. I just had to say it, because sharing it with us mortals is part of that gift. So push on, I so can't wait to get my hands on that finished product. Gotta go find a tissue now……
In some ways a blog seems more "open" to me than a book because people have the ability to respond directly to our writing through comments. With a book there is a greater sense of distance.
I think some of us just feel a calling to write about certain things. We just need to heed that and trust that our writing will end up where it needs to end up. Ultimately, it's not really about us, is it? We are just the lowly scribes, listening and writing it all down.
Allie: Oh. I know. It is such a wondrous thing (to hear her) and I am truly lucky – not that I have had a real face-to-face with her in over 2 years, mind you. You're not the only one who can't wait to get their hands on the finished product! My own hands are twitching!!
Wanderlust: How very, very true. Every word. YES!
Hello, I am new to your blog but loving all your creative writing.
Intravenous thick hot chocolate?! I love the sound of that.=)
I first read your story of Ella several years ago and was so deeply deeply moved by how you described your prenatal bond with her and her presence in and around you, outside of her physical lifespan. I BELIEVE in and have FELT as you have shared it, every word of your incredibly spiritual experience. I LOVE to hear you speak of it, whenever you are brave and generous enough to do so.
xx Ave