That’s what she told me this morning as we were on our way to a meeting.
I had to take the LGBB with me, it’s just “that time of year” when there is no other alternative. So we packed the car with little books and crayons and a bumper Pre-School Activities book (she likes the dot-to-dots and mazes the best) and set off a little before 7.30am.
My daughter, this second child of ours, is really quite remarkable. Her attitude and co-operation today were nothing short of exemplary. When she blurted out, on the back of talking excitedly about Christmas, that she misses her sister (whom she never met in life, having been conceived almost two years after Ellanor passed away as a newborn), I was reminded once again just how remarkable she is, and of the Big Questions and how I would always have to be ready with an answer… even if that answer was a sympathetic nod of acknowledgement.
And so it was today, for after she announced she missed Ella, the LGBB then told me informatively, “A long, long time ago, when I was just a leeeeetle little baby (she laboured the point for good effect), I used to play with Ella when she was a girl.” Oh, I see! I replied, remaining neutral as always so as not to taint this either way. “And then, when I got older, I wasn’t Ella anymore.”
I get confused and intrigued by these seeming slip-ups of the LGBB’s. But the thing is, they are such consistent “slip-ups” that I do wonder sometimes. She is adamant she used to be Ella, before she grew into being Lolly. I am berated sharply by her and always have been for trying to correct her. And I have read before the stories of kids blurting out details to their astonished parents (mothers, usually) about how they used to be So-and-so but were now – well, duh! obviously – themselves.
Honestly? I don’t like the idea that this is her perception. Of course I don’t. But I also accept that this is her perception. Perhaps for now, it is the way she is integrating the understanding about how her big sister can be both dead and still a part of the family. Perhaps this is how she feels close to Ellanor. I can hardly blame her for that. This is an area where I have to use much tact, caution and some gentle boundary-keeping. That is all I feel I am permitted to do, for this is not just a “while she’s young” thing. The passing of our firstborn daughter will affect our living daughter for the rest of her life too.
She misses Ella. It may seem strange to you, dear reader, but this statement warms my heart so much that it might just fill to bursting. My most precious thing in this world – Lolly – is including our other girl, our guiding light, even in this busy, exciting, festive atmosphere we’ve got going here. Perhaps this is what makes her feel more keenly towards Ellanor. I know it pulls me closer to her around this time every year.
I know it’s not meant to be, but I feel like it’s our little secret, Lolly’s and mine, that this week she will be hand-holding with Ellanor somewhere in the ever-after “out there”. And I feel the luckiest, because I will have her other hand tightly in mine.
Profound, strange, mysterious… and probably true. As the bard said, 'there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'
The Dotterel: So true. A timely reminder, thanks for the quote. And in another bit of timely symmetry, my copies of the anthology arrived today!
How I love to see my daughter's name on pages of a proper book… How very permanent it feels. Thank you and Gareth, again.
Kids are amazing, how I wish I could see things through their eyes sometimes.
It is her truth and I'm glad you let her believe it.
They see, feel and think more than we know. I am sure of it. Thank you, this was beautiful x
Strange and most probably true. There are things in life that are bigger than all of us. How beautiful, and hopeful, especially at this time of year.
They certainly are both extremely special little girls!
The LGBB is still at such an "honest" age too where she is telling you exactly what she knows/feels.
Her truth! Gave me goosebumps.
Merry Christmas to you and your family, K!
(sorry, no cards this year. Was over it by the time I did near 50 for AJ and Schmooey's friends. LOL)
Nothing short of lovely… that in LGBB's mind the family is, on some level, complete and an all-inclusive unit. I've nothing more to add other than a fond heart is warmed by you and yours.
Oh, beautiful words to make a mother's heart sing! I feel your heart squeezing as she said it.
I see how her perception of Ella can make you feel uncomfortable. (A psychic once flippantly told me – after my enquiry as she didn't pick up on it herself- that my first had returned to me in my second, and I really don't feel that is the case. They are separate entities, it has to be that way for my small brain to cope.)
Your Lol is amazing, sensitive and special, and kids are incredibly eloquent at times. Big Miss has told me the same thing, that she 'misses her' and I was amazed she would even think of her in that way, having never 'met'. But it is for them how it is for us, we miss them ongoingly. Their absence leaves a space in the family. We miss getting to know them as they age. I hope Lolly still gets visits from Ella from time to time xxx
Thank you, kind people! Bit emotional here today..
Alliecat: I don't think it's appropriate for a psychic (who has no prior established connection with you, especially) to just land that on you, whether or not she senses it. A fine example of principals/ego not properly 'in place', I think…
Interestingly, I recently asked L if she sees Ella and she flippantly tells me "not anymore". I gather it is much the same as it is with me: that we see/hear from her when it is required or when there is some job to be cleared up. I remain humbled by it all, frankly.
I think that is just perfect. Your two princesses together.
Mich x
It's possible Ella is watching over her sister?
Michelle: It is lovely to imagine. And I don't doubt it at all.
River: Unquestionably
I haven't really mentioned on my blog all the times (particularly when L was younger) there were things that would make me contemplate it all quite deeply because of the things she would say, out of the pureness of a child's perspective.
Strange and wonderful. Sorrow mingled with a little mystery and joy. Thank you so much for writing this post. It's stayed with me since I first read it.
Popps is four and does not have an imaginary friend, instead she tells me "when I was in heaven…this is what happened" she tells me all sorts of adventures and fun about playing in this place called heaven, "…and you don't know cos you are not there." imagination, spirit, I don't know, but it is a happy place for her that I am happy to hear about.
Doesn't seem strange to me at all, dear Kirrily. As a matter of fact, when it comes to children and their amazing ability to grasp concepts that we assume to be out of their reach, it seems that nothing it out of their realm of comprehension. Kids are amazing little creatures and they see and hear so much more than we possibly could…just because they're better able to take it all in. They're not jaded by life yet and they still believe in magic. I completely believe that LGBB either knew Ella or had a part of Ella in her and that they have that sister bond without ever having physically met.
Wow – so beautiful! xo