Over the past week or so, I have been thinking back over the past ten or so years of my life. Specifically, looking at the friendship and/or support circles I have been amongst and how these have grown, evolved, shattered and, ultimately, become something I am able to be genuine and my authentic Self amongst.
The brief rundown goes like this:
• High school – never properly fit in. I eventually found a group of ‘safe’ girls (who still had moments of excluding me and I was never “in” with any of the groups in any way that I felt properly safe, never to be “dropped”) and we muddled through to the end of our school days together. Mostly at high school, I was the target of the bitches. I don’t know why. I suppose I was a bit of a soft/easy target. When I was cut with their words, I bled noticeably. When I defended myself, I was ridiculed even more. It was not a comfortable time for me, high school.
Note to self: Remember to execute healthy level of detachment from personal memories of school when helping the LGBB through her school years.
• Post-school years – My first job didn’t yield any more personal friendships. I worked with Steve for four years during the mid-’90s. It made the two of us tighter, but my ‘circle’ didn’t increase. Those same high school buddies were my only friends during those years, but I rarely saw them. Mostly due to our vastly different lifestyles. I had the house and the picket fence already, by the time I was 21. My friends were house sharing in the inner city and studying. Their first jobs were highly paid and saw them spending as much money on a pair of shoes as I was putting towards my share of the mortgage for the week.
• By the year 2000, I had had and lost my first pregnancy. This shot me right out into the stratosphere, way beyond my friends and their concerns. They couldn’t understand if they tried (and I’m not certain they did put much mind to it). In my youth and confusion, I withdrew from them completely and we parted ways. It was long overdue, but I finally admitted that we just weren’t in the same place and my friends, therefore, probably weren’t doing me any favours (nor I them, being a bit like a dragging ball and chain already amongst their partying, uni-style, carefree youth).
• During the years between 1998 and 2003, I held jobs that brought me a few very firm, enduring friendships with co-workers. Several of these remain to this day. Some of them did not outlast what was to happen to me in 2004. And that’s okay.
• After we lost Ellanor in early 2004, reality kicked in. After spending 12 months floundering in a sea of unknowns – who was I now, how difficult was I to be ‘friends with’, how the hell could I go back to who I was before knowing Ella and, therefore, what did that mean for existing friendships and relationships – I emerged in 2005 with a refreshing new arsenal: The Internet. Forums. Blogging.
• Firm friendships formed from expressing myself online. And while I lost a relationship or two along the way through that same sharing and expression, the benefits and return have been inconceivable. Far more than I could possibly have imagined. What began as an investigation into what I was in for with my first IVF cycle in early 2005 turned into membership of an online community/forum that sealed the friendships of at least half a dozen wonderful people who, to this day, I call my friends.
People who know my struggles, are willing to stay in touch and go through them with me – many people who have themselves lost a child or been through miscarriage/s – and don’t see me as some social leper because of all the loss I have experienced.
These are women who, although a year had passed since Ellanor’s passing, treated me as they found me. Used compassion, a sense of knowing innately what they would have wanted if it had been them in that situation. They matched me better. We fit. It was worlds away from what had been my reality for the previous 12 months – which was, basically, “get on with it, I can’t keep listening to you, I have to talk about me and my life and my children… you’re, frankly, cramping my style and boring me with all your infertility and loss talk… come over and play with my kids, entertain me! Entertain them! Like you used to… Oh, what’s WRONG now??” My newfound, unexpected friends sent me little gifts in the post, I arrived home to flowers on my doorstep on Ella’s birthday in 2006 from several people, I got to start meeting some of these fabulous fellow online buddies, some of whom were following a similar path to me, others sharing only the similarity of desiring another child and chatting the days away as we all waited.
The point is, where once I was conditioned to think that I was not a decent friend now that I had too many burdens and opinions to share, I’ve actually made the healthier choice. This is not to say that I haven’t had a baptism of fire – I’ve been burned and have burned others with some of my choices and opinions – but I have grown from this. I am very grateful to have seen this early on, even through my grief-stricken, low self-worth eyes, because had I not, I would have closed this blog and run away from this online life forever.
But I have stayed. I have learned. And I have grown.
And now, I have so many cherished blogging friends that I can’t possibly link to them all! Some are very dear to me for personal reasons, others are dear because they are always here with a helpful word or dose of reality, a unique perspective on something I have written, or a bloody good laugh (and I always love doing that!). I was only able to meet up with and spend time with a very small portion of those bloggers – some of them were unexpectedly kindred and they were some of the most pleasant surprises of all to come out of the Conference for me – but I learned to let go and accept my Self even more after that weekend in March.
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| Me (left) with adorable Seven7Cherubs, the inimitable Glowless and the ravishing Diminishing Lucy |
If you read my blog, you pretty much know who I am. Blogging has helped me stay on the straight and narrow. It has shown me so many things about myself, most importantly how to get real with my writing and expression. About the reality of not knowing ANYTHING about anything. About broadening my love and acceptance of All – my Self included 
– and about the things that keep me ticking. I know more about myself now, having been through this weeding out of my close circle and have come to realise a few things that I need to do to remain balanced in my life.
To keep writing
To keep sharing and expressing
To always remember the Bigger Picture
To get off the computer and get amongst the reality around me (whether it’s a messy kitchen, a weed-filled garden, a needy house with four pairs of eyes following me wherever I go – that being, my child, the cat and the two dogs…)
To never, ever write anything here (or in comments) that I would not be comfortable saying out loud
To never forget why I started this in the first place and to be thankful, eternally, to that guiding light of mine. Wherever she is now.
So, what about you? Have you ever had a complete friendship cull? Have you shed the layers of your outer reality and found that your real Self needed to seek more like-minded souls? Have you never done it and perhaps grown together with the same people you’ve known since childhood/early adulthood?
I’d love to hear from you! Email me instead if you wish, I always love to learn more.
Yes, yes, yes…can relate to so much of this in terms of forming friendships, and I have some lovely online friendships I never expected from this blogging caper.
Lovely for you to have found your online friends!
xxx
Gorgeous.
You, and this post.
You and I have walked such sililar paths.
I have culled "friends" recently: I have stepped away from, unfollowed and disengaged. Oh sweet relief.
XX
Will email you K, or my 'comment' will go on and on and on….
And I will never forget my Secret Santa CD either. ;p
I often think about how amazing it is that these friendships are formed online. But also that these online friends probably no more about me in a shorter amount of time than someone I would meet IRL (and sometimes more than people who have known me longer).
And, you know, there was that part of me that wondered if you'd think I was just a tad stalkerish. Thank goodness you didn't! LOL
Now we just need to have another catchup and all will be right with the world. ;p
Hi K. My friendships have waxed and waned over the years but never more so than when the Batsman was diagnosed with autism. Really interesting how people respond. Polite distance…can't handle it….stepping away….am i high maintenance? I'm not sure but all i know is that I am a loyal, honest and true friend who is pretty good to have around. I feel like I am on the verge building some stronger online connections and I would really love to do that. Thanks for having me think about it today. Also wanted to ask how you went with Heartfelt…..haven't caught up on that….let me know. Have a lovely week and can i just say that I am sorry i never really got to talk to you at the conference. I was way too busy being terrified xx
Some of my friends culled me from their lives when I became a young mum to a child with a disability and health problems.
But I also have a handful of friends who I have had from my teenage years (not high school ones) who remain by my side to this day. Our kids are growing up together and I am so grateful for them.
I have another circle of close friends now too because we all have a child with WHS. It is hard to explain how deep these friendships are.
I also have online connections too which are really important to me too.
I have lived in three countries in my life during school, university and now life with a young family. I have been lucky enough to collect friends along the way but there have been times when I have felt disengaged from all my groups due to just being in a different place geographically. I love that I have made friends online but do admit its hard to balance all my friendships sometimes and I am guilty of withdrawing when it all gets too much.
I think I've already gone on and on about blogging friendships. One of the highlights of the conference for me was being able to meet you. You really feel like a kindred spirit. Wish we could have had more time together. xx
I think some of these online friendships surpass the ones we make through regular channels. After all, we get the warts and all version up front, no holds barred.
What a lovely post. I can feel it too – this wonderful bonding and community building that is happening through blogging and social networks. what an exciting and unexpected turn.
Big, big hugs. You are still one of the my favourite bloggers that I would love to meet one day.
As for me… I was always a nerd at school. Back before being a nerd was cool. Yet I had a solid if small circle of friends. They have now all moved on – bar one who I still see regularly – to be replaced by a much wider circle of friends and work colleagues and the understanding that, if I try, I can actually make friends quite easily but I tend to choose to hold back and wait and see. To suss people out. I don't think that's a bad thing.
Oh, K, you have me in tears.
This funny thing called blogging has helped so many of us… I know it's turned the hurdles in my life in to speed bumps – they're all still there but they're so much smaller knowing I have all this support. A few kind words from people I've either never met or met once.
I flicked all my "friends" the day after graduation, tired of being treated so badly… years later one of them contacted me and apologized. I'll never forget that.
Much love to you xxx
What wise and wonderful words you offer up here – we could all learn a thing or too from this!
Friendship cull? No never.
I've never been close enough to people to call them friends, so every time I moved it was easy to leave them behind.
I think I'm closer now to my internet friends than I ever have been to my real life "friends". I'm friends with the people I work with, but we don't socialise. I'm not a social person.
Wow, wow, wow. The timing of this post couldn't be better, with another one of my long term, close friendships going up in smoke last week. My baby died and my Christmas card list just keeps getting shorter and shorter. I wish people would understand my baby dying is not about them, it is about me. Thankfully some very good people have stuck by me through the good the bad and the ugly and then there have been people I've found online who just "get it" who have filled the other gaps.
I wont go in to all the details, as honestly the person has upset me beyond repair and is just not worth it, but thanks so much for writing this and especially writing it this week.
Soooooo glad I finally found your lovely blog.
xo
Jodie: Have to admit, I never thought I"d end up where I am now… through blogging. Even blogging was so lonely in the beginning for me, way back in 2005!
Lucy: It IS a relief of sorts, isn't it? I find it so refreshing. I actually think 'blogging' is the most real thing I have ever done (that involves other people) despite all the trolls that go around.
Judi: Got it. Love it
Cjtato: Did you ever find that CD? I thought I'd been so clever, hiding my identity, when it was all over the song choices, obviously……
Suz: No mind, there is always "next time"! I love that there is next time.
Anna: Yeah, see, I really appreciate that people have limits. I'm just really pleased that I was able to discover what defined "too much" for my so-called friends and supporters, as I am sure you too have found.
Super Sarah: On the contrary, I think withdrawing is a super, honest, and obvious way of saying "Time out, guys." I think if more of us could do that, the less we'd see relationship break-down, if truth be told.
Kristin: I was so bummed we couldn't spend more time, in a slower paced environment! I was worried you had gone away with some different observation of me. I am relieved that's not the case. xxx
Madmother: I am so with you there. I completely agree. My online friendships are some of the most real I have in my life now.
Lifebywords: It's special because it's unexpected! (for me, anyway)
Steve: These bloody oceans, between us! I was always one to side with the nerds, before nerds were cool. I feel completely comfortable around people like those seen in The Big Bang Theory. Far more of a pleasure to be around. And they made up a lot of my outer-circle friends during my youth (and I always had half the IT crowd hanging around me at work do's too, come to think of it!, even though I was never in that Dept. in my work roles).
Glowless: I think it must be something that many of us share. A need to be heard, and blogging is more unconditional and less 'fake' than many relationships you tend to have "in real life" (or so I have found). It – blogging – has actually helped me define how to be with my face to face acquaintances. Blogging, to me, is the real deal by which I measure the other friendships in my life.
Donna: Cheers! Though I hardly think I'm saying anything new here
River: That's a very interesting point you make there. That blogging has become, to you, the preferred – perhaps disarming? – way for you to make bonds and forge friendships. I totally get that.
Hope's Mama: Yes and doesn't that Christmas card list just fizzle into dust if you do as I have done and sign off from yourself, your partner, your surviving child and your deceased precious babe? Stuff it, she's part of our family! She breathed, she lived, she has our facial features. Suck it up…. A-hem. I am very saddened to hear you have been so pained by a friend this week. It is very tough, when you're already hurting and can no doubt not see past the fact that they – as the ones not in quite the same amount of torment – ought to be able to allow you to "be" however it is you need to be for the time being. So very sorry.
You are welcome at my "lovely" blog any time you like! Email me if you wish, as well. Am usually never far away xoxo
My high school experience was a little like yours; I flew under the radar as much as possible. Fortunately I managed to make a couple of friends who for some strange reason, still put up with me. I don't make friends easily, and I'm often surprised that people do actually want to talk to me. It's just a way of thinking that I've grown up with. I'm working on it, but thirty-odd years of habit is hard to break.
I'm glad you kept on blogging; I'm glad you're here now. I hope you remember us all when you're raking in all that book deal cash (cause you will you know).
I'm with you….I have made more friends on line than I ever have in person..I don't know what I wouold do without my blog now..it is my life line.
I have really enjoyed getting to know people through blogging. It would be amazing to attend a conference. So jealous of you Australians and your awesome Aussie conference! Thanks so much for the follow. Look forward to following you!
Tenille: It's so interesting, the things we have been conditioned to think about ourselves. Very difficult to re-record those old tapes, hey? Remember you all?? Mate. You're all the reason it'll be successful (if anyone ever snaps it up)!
Mybabyjohn: I thoroughly agree, those are my sentiments exactly. I have saved so much money on therapy – am completely serious when I say that.
Kristy: If you have the chance, it would be wise to go to a bloggers' conference! Whichever community it is that you fit with (you're in the US, right? Don't they have conferences all the time there?). Sorry I didn't get around to you sooner, I think you already follow me? Perhaps not… I just remember seeing your avi and never got the chance to visit you before now!
Yes yes yes! Beautiful.
Some of the best friends of my life were made online since 2005. Sometimes I want to kiss my modem…
It always stuns me how I have connected with so many beautiful women who I would never normally have had the chance to meet.
Years ago my Mum had penfriends from all over the world, they regularly wrote to each other and formed friendships that lasted throughout the years. She only ever met maybe one or two IRL, and the last one has now connected with her via facebook.
Somehow it's like no matter what the time of day or night, someone is out there, I find that very comforting.
xxx
Love this post. One of the main reasons I love my blog so much is the wonderful connections I have made with totally inspiring women. Yourself being one of them. I love that I found your blog early on in my blogging career (ha! career, too funny!) and I have loved reading your posts, about your life and connecting with you. So loved being able to meet you in real life and I have to say what an awesome, gorgeous group of women are in that picture
Naomi x
I have 2 very best friends from high school, both of whom have stuck by me and kept me propped up through the years. I have culled a few fake as well as "rash like" friends over the years (you know the ones that live in your backpocket and need constat pandering)
Online friends, I met several in 2006 when struggling with IF and though most are in a different place now, we are still in contact thru facebook. Ive had he chance to meet several and some of them are just gorgeous indeed xxx
(Slowly wading my way through days and days of unread posts due to being computer-less for too long!)
I had a friend cull in the early days. Replaced them with a select few of wonderful women who 'knew', yourself included. So I feel no loss from the others, only enrichment and gratitude for those I found, and I am grateful to Kristen for them, often.
Then there are the other people who weren't particularly unsupportive, but neither were they supportive. They have remained on the periphery but the topic is out of radar for them, and I don't mention it much any more as I was sick of the hurt, rejection and disappointment. They are not ones I'd go to in a crisis.
The online community is indeed a wonderful one.
Great post, I liked your reminders for life balance at the end. xx
I loved this post. I think we are all so lucky to find new friends at this stage of our life xx