If I had had my way, the LGBB would be a big sister by now. Possibly even twice over.
If just one of any of the four pregnancies I have had since her birth in 2006 had come to fruition, she would be that big sister.
If just one of the three pregnancies before she was born had eventuated, or if her sister had lived, then she wouldn’t even be here. Not the same wonderful, unique being she is, anyway. Or, heck, if any of the four pregnancies before her sister died had happened then we wouldn’t have even had her sister! That’s a lot of missed opportunities.
I always wanted three children. We have two. One on this Earth, one not. So really, we are raising at least one less child than we ever expected. But it is as it is. And I am eternally grateful.
It is painful to see/read/hear the derogatory opinions of so many against only children. Against my child. (I hasten to clarify the prejudice is not necessarily in that blog post I have directed you towards in the previous link, but in its comments section and so many other places, and not necessarily even online – as well, I hasten to add that I adore Maxabella deeply and she and I have discussed this at some length…. the “only child” post, not my adoration of her…). Opinions that range from them being “odd”, that we are “making them miss out on something” by not providing siblings, that they are “spoilt” and “don’t know how to share”, that “they lack negotiation skills” and perhaps the one that surprises me most, that my husband and I are “being selfish parents” by not giving her a sibling to share her life with…. On and on the self-opinionated lay in unfairly. And I cannot help but take more than just a little bit of slight to it.
Can I just point out the obvious here and say…. have we all not at some point or another come across a child (who is not an only child) who is odd? Who is missing out on something because they actually do have siblings? Appears to be spoilt? Doesn’t share? Can’t negotiate?? It is really difficult to break out of a label once “society” (or the proverbial “they”) has slapped one on a child. Please don’t label my child before she’s even gone out into the world and truly begun.
I also feel inclined to state that it is not for anyone, not even other so-called “onlies”, to speak on behalf of my child. Who knows if she is lonely or not? Or will ever be? One cannot deduce that, simply because their life as an only child was isolating, it goes without saying that every child suffers the same fate. My father was an only child. I have not once in all the years I have heard him speak of his youth express even a tinge of loneliness.
But is this because he never felt it? Or because he had a glass half full mentality about it? Food for thought.
Further, I was third of four children. I was painfully lonely at times. Just as I really do believe my daughter must be lonely… at times. What I am saying is, when an adult only child (or any other adult who presumes to know, simply talking from their own experience) steps up and says they were lonely so, therefore, all only children will surely suffer the same fate, they are speaking about an immeasurable experience – how would they know, if a couple more brothers/sisters were thrown in the mix, that they wouldn’t have been just as lonely?? They can’t know.
The LGBB will always be a little sister, but that means little to her in the present moment, in terms of someone to bounce off, play with, argue with and plan to grow old together (and share the responsibility of possibly taking care of either or both her elderly parents…. not that I feel I will ever get old, nah! Rather, will never *feel* old enough to need taking care of).
To see opinions floating around that virtually condemn us for compelling our child to live an only, lonely life is rather unsettling. Why are we, as human beings, so hellbent on warning others and being self-asserted “forebears” of the what if’s of anything that we feel has harmed us detrimentally? I can certainly understand an only child who lived a lonely life because of their family’s circumstances would want to speak to that loneliness and ensure others don’t make what they perceive as “the same mistake” their parents made. But the thing is, I am not about to assume I know the entirety of one’s situation. How am I to know what that only child’s parents were thinking? What they were going through?
More to the point, there surely can’t be different rules of engagement either – that is, we can’t say to parents who would desperately love to bear a sibling for their child that these warnings about only children don’t apply to them, but only to those “selfish” parents who have only decided to have one child. That is just so disappointing. And downright scary (that such bigotry exists).
Stories come out all the time – ALL the time – if we care to listen, they shed light on just some of the legitimate reasons (that I can see, anyway) a couple might “decide” not to have any more children. Stories about mothers who couldn’t cope after the birth of their child. Stories about subsequent (or earlier) children being put up for adoption. What if the thought of having a second child brought her to her knees? What if they tried for the next ten years but it never happened? What if? What if, what if? There are so many what if’s, this is but one of them I can think of off the top of my head (heh, can you tell who suffered depression after the birth of a much-wanted child??…. cough).
We have only just started to come out of era of not talking about this sort of thing. If any older adult only child out there thinks they know the whole story, perhaps it would pay them to think again. Perhaps it’s simply time to forgive their parent/s the “decision” not to give them a sibling (if that is the case, for is it even known if they perhaps had difficulty conceiving any more? Or miscarried and it was too painful to try again?? Miscarriage alone has only just in the past ten or so years, if that, started to be given the credit it deserves for so adversely altering the course of a woman’s life).
The LGBB draws houses these days. Chalk board after chalk board of houses with many windows. Faces in all the windows. She proudly rattles off who is at every window. The family in the drawing always consists of me and her Dad, herself, Ellanor, and then variations of the following:
“My little sister, my big brother, my little brother, my baby sister, my brother the baby, my sister the adult…”
She goes through bouts of this and where once it used to stun me into a frozen pause – a literal *pause button* stand-still where I am, can’t think, can’t move brain and body freeze – now I am not so taken aback. See, to Lolly she apparently IS from a large family. Her imagination is stellar. Her intuition is sharp and insightful. She is a child who is matter of fact and organic.
If I don’t get my act together soon, Steve and I will miss the chance of having another child anyway. That is fact. But I shall not be tempted to do it just because apparently, according to some in society, I am crippling my child’s emotional wellbeing or chance to be happy or burdening her with my heady ambitions for her.
All it takes is for us to consider what we’re contributing to before we go jumping on a bandwagon about which we can’t possibly know the full story. Wide public opinion doesn’t necessarily make something fact or lore. Being an only child doesn’t make one any more remarkable or less capable of knowing how to fight a good fight. It simply means these are the circumstances that contribute to them being the unique individual they are.
Right. Hot hat off. And just lastly, if you have been offended by this – I offer my hearty apologies. My intention is not to offend or divide further. I am merely seeking to give a voice to all those out there with hands tied, waiting in IVF clinics or otherwise simply unable to bear another child for their “only”. I can safely bet they are grateful for the one they have, regardless of the choice that has been taken from them.
These are the words I wrote on my blog when we lost our second child, a much loved and wanted son – "And so my plea to you is this, never judge a woman by how many children she has, as you never know how many she carries in her heart."
Thank you for your post, so much truth and I am right up on that soapbox with you x
Christie: SO true. My heart sighed and melted just a little bit more. Love to you and yours. Hug your Mum for me (so what if Rove said it, I mean it!).
So beautiful!
Clarinda: I'm so relieved! I expect it might be a bit close for some.
As a mother of an only I totally get what you are saying — I have a great kid, people often tell me how much they enjoy having her over for playdates e.g. "She is such a good sharer for an only child". I chuckle to myself – I sometimes feel like saying "Thanks, and your child has such good manners for a 4th child"
Michelle: I get the same thing! Which is why it is actually highly amusing (if not confusing) that there is such a widely negative opinion about only children. Heheh good on you, you should say it!
I don't judge based on this, you know that. I can't imagine how pathetic I would have to be to judge an individual for being an only child! Nonsense, that is!
There is an argument for and against only children (or two children or three or four or more or none!!!) but you know what, in the end none of that matters because is that it is what it is. Like so many things! "We get what we get and we don't get upset," to quote Maxi's fave saying of the moment (yes, it is irritating beyond belief to hear that 10 times a day every day!).
There is simply no point in worrying about any of this because at the end of the day it makes NOT ONE JOT OF DIFFERENCE to how your daughter will see herself or others or her place with others. Why? Because the most important thing is a loving, caring, nurturing FAMILY and she has that in spades.
Do you know what I mean?
x
PS – Thanks for the qualification above (I was a bit worried for a moment!). Can I add in my defense that my post is in no way a blight against only children, only an exploration of my own ridiculous prejudice that I was very quick to point out stemmed from nothing and is totally meaningless to boot. I also found a few of the comments left on the post to be eyebrow raising!!! x
PS – Sorry, I know I'm waffling, but I just wanted to add that in no way does having siblings protect a person from loneliness. Everyone gets lonely from time to time (especially growing up!!!). x
Maxabella: I am SO going to use that "We get what we get and we don't get upset" next time I get nagged…. And your p.s. (the second one): YES! I think I made that point as well somewhere in my waffle. I am glad you had a chance to clarify, I know where you were coming from – we have already discussed – but seeing it again, well. Hmmm. Hmph! Well… I guess I just got on my Cause Horse today. It was grazing in the backyard, minding its own business. Bored (it's an only horse, you see), and… anyway, the rest is written. xoxo Love to you.
I am raising two sons. I should be raising 5 children. Or, as you say, if that first had survived, perhaps Alexander would never have happened. What then?
After Alexander, it was our intention for a long time (his first two years) to have him be an only child. I do not believe that they are missing anything. I am the eldest of 4 and my siblings hate me. I have no contact with them whatsoever. I hated the risk of putting Alexander through that.
Of course, circumstances changed, and after 3 more losses, Samuel joined us. And we cannot have more.
This is not the family I'd always imagined raising. It looks nothing like it. But oh, how precious it is to me.
One child, two chidren, 6 children, you love the family you're given. The ones with you, and the ones etched into your soul. They'll never be gone, not really.
A beautiful post, Kirrily.
Lilly being an only child was my greatest fear. I assumed, and I guess I still do, that she would be lonely. As lonely as I was growing up (with a brother). I am absolutely devastated that I can't give her a sibling. Absolutely. And it has placed serious strains on my marriage.
The thing that I'm slowly coming to realise is that having a sibling doesn't guarantee against loneliness. Just as having another child wouldn't resolve all of my grief either.
I'm still scared of Lilly asking about little brothers or sisters; I have no idea what I will say.
But being an only child isn't a handicap. Neither is being a middle child. Or a sixth child. It is what it is. Doesn't it take a village anyway?
Mel: Thank you so much for sharing this relevant part of your journey. You're not wrong – there seems to be some fairly short sight about what siblings can offer. All good if it's all good… but if it's bad (cliché, I know) it can be downright horrid. xx
Of course it's a personal decision. But humans are gossipy creatures. When a topic that has anything to do with family (especially another person's family) comes up the instinct to natter on about it is almost impossible to resist.
Controlled crying, sibling number, home schooling… whatever.
I always think of those annoying little yap-yap dogs that bark at everything that passes their gate. Humans are by nature gossipers. I always try to take a step back from what's said to prevent myself going crazy.
We're on our way to our fourth child. I've been told that I am contributing to the destruction of the environment for having this many children. Without it being said directly – I am selfish, I am stupid, I am wrong.
Sometimes you've just got to look the other away and hum your favorite tune.
Tenille: My girl asks me about brothers/sisters. And then she doesn't. And then she does again (comes and goes as she progresses through stages with her sibling-ed friends!). It takes a village, yes. And you're so damn right – you have actually used a word that came to me as I was hanging out washing thinking of this post I felt drawn to write today… It is NOT a handicap. If you ask me, our daughter has the very best of what we can offer as parents. I see no harm in this. However, I may be biased! (and over-opinionated)
R-Dad: Oh that is the other extreme! Yes. Yappy dogs. Thank you for that visual, shall adhere to your tip and have a fave tune at the ready for next time.
I think kids are judged, no matter where they are in the family. The eldest child, the middle child, the only child, the youngest of seven, who should actually be eight, actually more than that but, we'll leave it there.
Everyone is labelled and no, I don't agree with it at all.
I often wonder why humans are the way we are. I mean, we accept all dogs as dogs, we accept rabbits as collective vermin but we have to label each human we come across. It's interesting.
I guess all that matters in the end is what is important to you, to your family unit. I know it's hard to ignore the comments and the judgement because big families get it too.
I'm sure with your love she will be everything she is meant to be and more. Sister, brother, angel baby or no she is perfect as her own entity.
Tiff: Too right – and I hope I haven't conveyed a portrait that I am caught up with this focus. I'm not. It's just something I had to speak to, as I haven't discussed it before on my blog – and it's a rather obvious, blaring fact: we have an "only child" (who's not really an only child… but for want of more explanation, I'll leave it there). It's so interesting to me, too, the apparent need to label. Compartmentalise. Maybe I bristle/resist so much because I was raised by a pigeon-holer… Hmmm
Loving you K. And I'm so sorry that people have been insensitive. xx
I said this to someone the other day … I don't understand why people are so passionate about situations that have absolutely nothing to do with them. It doesn't affect them or their children one iota what other families decide with regards to number of children.
I remember being asked if I was pregnant again after my third (which I wasn't) and then got an "Oh phew." response. Whaaat? Clearly my children have been such a burden on this stranger that the thought of me having another one was too much for them to bear.
And just because I have three does not guarantee that none of them will be selfish or bratty. I wish. However, probably going with typical stereotypes Miss 3 is going to be that kid. Bwahahahaha.
Oh and sorry to harp on but I cringe when I hear people say "But you don't know what you're missing." When couples say they aren't having kids. That one just astounds me. Like it's their business to try and sell the kids thing.
Gee, thanks for the rant. I feel much better! ROFL
Not at all, you don't seem caught up by it at all. i understand very much where you are coming from.
Children only miss out when they are denied love. It's as simple as that. It matters not a jot how many siblings they have or don't have. It's the love they feel from those around them that influences them the most. LGBB will prosper and flourish.
I have a female friend who is a complete and utter bitch around other women and when quizzed on it responded "I grew up with brothers, I don't know how to talk to other girls". Pretty sure there are millions of people who grew up without sisters who know how to talk to women without insulting them.
Whether you have angel siblings, are an only child, or one of seven kids, your ability to share and play is dependent upon so many other factors. Putting it down to just the number of children in the family is a cop out.
No matter what the 'standard opinion' I truly believe your family does shape you a hell of a lot. But totally see this as a good thing. My nephew (now 19) is a only child. Franky there were times he appeared spoilt and seemed to operate very early within an adult world – but man you should see him now. The confidence and leadership he shows makes me so proud of him. I don't know if he'd be like that without having been an only child.
If you ask me the world needs some only children – over confident and willing to take on life full speed ahead. (Not that I guess we should stero-type only children as always being like that.) Birth order does shape you (in my opinion) but isn't that a fabulous thing. Being loney as an only child or feeling squished and unimportant in the middle of a big family. There is good and bad in both.
If you have another child it will be wonderful and if you don't watch out world because there will be another fully loved up and totally ready to take on the world only child to battle injustice and do what ever her heart leads her to. (oh goodness – just wrote a little essay -hope it make some sense
.
I am lucky beyond words to have my two children. We faced the very real possibility of not being able to have any, and while on a break from work and treatment I fell pregnant with our son. Our daughter followed soon afterwards.
I always felt I wanted 3 children, but I have two, and that is that.
My sister and her Hubby wanted a very large family, they had a child, and my sister said it all changed and one was enough for them. Their child is just that, a child… who usually shares, who usually has nice manners in company, and who is not usually lonely. The same goes for my 2 kids. The same goes for my friends with 4 kids, and one family with 5.
My Husband is an only child, and he is caring, generous and sometimes forgets to offer me a cuppa when he makes one for himself… because is busy, not because he is an only child, as someone once said to me.
I watched dear friends as they gave birth to then lost their darling first child. I mourned with them. I watched as the lost another the same day my closest friend also had a miscarriage… one of many.
We never know what people have been through, are going through, how many children they carry in their heart.
Judging is all too easy – I know I am guilty of it too – but we need to be mindful of people, mindful of the questions we ask and the off hand comments we make.
There is a lot of prejudice against onlies, and parents of one. We have a 5.5 age gap, with a loss in between, so I've heard it first hand. Most traits kids have or parenting styles stem first from other factors IMO.
I wish everyone could have the exact amount of kids they wanted and when, but failing that, it'd help a lot if people weren't so quick to make a call.
It took us quite a while before our son came along and then, two years later, I had a miscarriage. We decided fairly soon after that to stop trying for another child and just enjoy fully the one we had. Have never looked back. We are a very close threesome, my boy is well loved, has lots of friends and seems, at 15, to be doing just fine. I can't do any more than love him and teach him the best I can.
There are plenty of wise words in the comments here – but above all it seems that, as Steve said, it's the amount of love a child has that is important x
I know of quite a few couples with 'onlies'. Some (although comparably less) by choice and choice alone. Most are from the group you find yourself in. Wanting to but are unable to for a variety of reasons. It's not fair you are judged for it, it's even less fair that you'd change it if you could.
Possibly the tables could be reversed too, one could argue your only will have far more opportunties bestowed upon her than my 3 will through the constraints of finances and parental one on one time.
At the end of the day it's about family, in whichever form that takes.
I'd rather see your only in a house full of love, support and warmth than anyones 2, 3 or 4 in a house of toxic barbs, fights and unhappiness.
PS yours is a most well rounded, happy and imaginative child. I only ache for you all that she isn't really an 'only', but for all practical purposes she is. And that is truly unfair. xxx
I find it interesting that "they" seem to think that their opinion on the size of other people's families actually matters. It doesn't.
It is absolutely none of my business how many children you have, or the family down the street has or the person half way around the world. My business is taking care of MY children.
I am lucky. I have two wonderful children. We chose to stop at two. It was the right decision for our family. The reasons behind this decision are between myself and my husband. No one else's opinion on the subject matters.
A dear friend of mine has one sweet daughter. They have chosen to stop at one. It is the right decision for their family. The reasons behind that decision are not my business. My opinion does not matter.
This business of parenting has become too competative, to confrontational. Ultimately, we need to focus on providing the best life for OUR kids and stop judging others.
Jenn
I am the only child of a single mum. When I was young I didn't understand that the adults were using the term 'Only Child', I thought they were saying 'Lonely Child" – so I always made sure to tell them, very firmly, that I wasn't a 'lonely child'. It just never occurred to me to be lonely – I was always too busy playing with my friends!
As far as having one or two or three kids goes…I'm one of those women that you mention at the end of your post – I would have been deliriously happy with only one as I have none.
Maybe loneliness awaits me further down the track…
what a beautiful, heartfelt post…so courageous. I completely understand how you feel – both as an only child myself and as a mum who is desperately trying to have another child so my little boy will have a sibling. Thank you for reminding me that the most important thing is the love that children grow up with, not how many siblings they have. And that qualities such as kindness and compassion are not simply a given because you come from a large family. If anything, I constantly receive comments about how kind and sharing my little one is.
I just commented on this over at Maxabella Loves after she linked to this post today. For me, I can not understand why anyone would make derogatory comments towards an only child. It does not seem to me to be their place to judge?
But, I do think it is fantastic that you wrote out about this, one of the best things that blogging can offer us is the opportunity to walk in another's shoes, or see a situation from another perspective. There are so many different circumstances, events, opportunities etc that lead people to the place they are at in their lives and none of can assume to know what another individual has experienced
Gill xo
Thank you for writing my thoughts exactly.
I have on toddler boy and rapidly approaching 46 unlikley to be able to have another.
I am one of 8, my mother is one of 9, my grandfather was one of 14.
The whole judgement thing is a lot of piffle.
Bless
jill xo
I am a bit emotional at the moment so your post made me a bit teary.
thank you for sharing your emotional story.
i send you hugs and I am glad to have popped round to your blogworld
♥
Thank you for contributing to this discussion. I am time poor at the moment and am probably not going to be able to reply personally to each of you… But please know I now carry that little bit of each of your stories (and/or sentiments) in my heart. I'm really touched by the thoughtfulness and time taken to give so freely of yourselves here. Many many grateful thanks. xoxox
(and Cathie – m.e – I am really sorry you're feeling it a bit at the moment, I hope the tearies give way to some sunshine soon xo)
So glad you found the words! You said this post was brewing when we talked at the Kidspot thing. There is no planning in family planning if you ask me. Few of us get what we expect. I hope you are happy to put the fullstop where it ends up in your family. Now, later, whenever. I hope you are done when you are done x
So much food for thought in this post – it's a banquet rather than a snack – and I think I need to go away and digest it all properly (excuse the mixed food metaphors, can't help myself).
BUT, as the youngest of 10 children and the mother of one, (who is likely to be the only one), I think people who judge you on the number of your children need to get overthemselves and get a hobby. I'm with the person who says 'there's no planning in family planning'. Being grateful for what you have is the most important thing.
Ok, off soapbox now. Love your blog!
But honey, don't you know that society expects us to have more than one child??? [dripping with sarcasm]
Luckily I have been upfront about our failed journey for a 2nd child, this usually stops them from saying stupid stuff to me (not always)
BTW my babe is the best sharer and is the kindest, most compassionate kid around (yes I may well be a wee bit biased) and yes she is EXTREMELY spoilt, yet she doesnt act like a brat with it. I guess I must be doing something right LOL
take care Kirrily xxx
i'd kill for JUST one child and if we had of gotten just ONE, i'd be baiting for anyones blood if they dare judge us on circumstances that they probably knew nothing about.
i don't understand why people feel the need to judge other people and their lives and what choices they make [or don't make and the choices that are ultimately taken out of their hands].
you get judged for having only one child [though you have two xx] and we are judged for being together 12 years and yet we have no children. try to explain why and people don't want to know or i get told "one day it will happen" – which is of no help, my history says no it WON'T actually happen and people telling me that isn't helping.
~x~
Wow. You said it all right there. You know I have four brothers and one sister and two of my bothers do not know how to interact with other people. We where all pretty close in age to, so having sibling friends really wasn't part of it.
http://abookagirlajourney.blogspot.com
As a family, we are stereo-typed by society – two kids (girls) two and a half years apart…
What do you say when you're asked "How many children do you have?" by total strangers…my answer of choice would be "I have three beautiful girls, 15, 12 and eight, but my eight year old is in heaven…" geez that scares the crap out of most people, it's the most tried and true conversation-killer I know…
So I answer the question with "I have two girls…" and then I fit into that stereotype of the family with two kids…
Close members of the family don't speak about her, they don't even remember her name…when I say something about Maryanne, I get a blank look, and then they become tense and embarrassed because, hey – it's been eight years…"isn't she over it yet?" my mother-in-law, Maryanne's grandmother,"Nan" refers to her as "the baby" and once asked me "where is IT buried?"
I have just discovered your Blog, and from the bottom of my heart I say, I hear you, and I hurt for you. Thank you for giving these shining angels and their mothers a voice.x
I am the mom of one girl. I was lucky enough to choose and give birth to one. She is a super kid, none of the issues related to being sibling-less. And she has never wanted a sib. She knows she has a good gig. Whether to have children or not is one of the most intimate decisions one can make. I continue to be amazed by the boldness of total strangers to impose judgment on my thoughtful decision that I made with my husband. I hope for my girl's sake that future generations learn to respect others' abilities to make their own decisions.
Thank you for continuing to share your stories, I am reading with great interest each and every comment. Am loving the diversity of our situations, and I live in great hope that ignorance (or at least, lack of information) about this topic can be cured! One day. Perhaps.
I've been lucky I haven't had much pressure on that regard. Most people I talk to understand that we are on our own, striving to earn a living and have a good family at the same time. Having a second child is not practical for us. Having said that, I do dream of having a second one, of being able to afford a second one. But this is our situation and I love it.
To have one at all is such a gift, and my one is enough (as I often say, "in every possible sense of the word".) I would give anything for my friends who have not been able to have just one, to have have that gift – to take away that pain and suffering.
As you say, there are many reasons why people ended up with an "only child". Ours were not physical inability, nor fortunately, did we ever lose a child or conception. But the reasons were no less real… or less confronting – at least to us.
Judging does not help build understanding or support for those who seek to build a happy, safe, supported life for their "only children". There is no need to have a fully self-contained unit, when there is a village to share amongst. What we need most is friends.
Beautiful, poignant, well written, thought provoking truth.
I wrote about the same 'situation' last week – but much less eloquently.
I hear "just the one, then?" in my sleep, I swear it!
Thank you.