I began my long-awaited call to duty this week and took my first round of grief counselling calls (miscarriage related). They were, of course, really poignant for me on a personal level. I have begun to see my role as a future counsel take shape. I like what I see. Most of all, I am shocked at how little it takes out of me while I am still being of great shape-shifting, behaviour-changing use to others I am in dedicated service to – going on feedback such as that which I received just yesterday from one of my lovely clients (not a grief counselling recipient), who called me a “miracle” (err… perhaps I ought to give her Steve’s phone number and he can fill her in on all the ways I might not quite be one of those…).
Such humbling work, I can’t even share it for it is not mine. But I will get a post out before long regarding my personal growth from what I have been involved with. Sometime. Not yet.
It’s time to share with you another moment when something so sweet and uplifting has come through all my conscious filters to reach me in a most intimate, private, lonely, sole, soul space.
I was in the kitchen by myself, cooking dinner for the family after a long day working outside with Steve. He was with the LGBB while she had her (much needed – she made puddles today in a back yard that was already a mud pit, soooo much fun!) bath.
I started an iTunes genius mix, which had the old regulars in it: Madeleine Peyroux, Biréli Lagréne, Eva Cassidy, Sara Gazarek, Sarah Vaughan, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald… We listen often to music like this. One of our latest finds (and favourites) in the past year or so has been Stacey Kent, thanks to none other than Steven Tyler, of Aerosmith fame. She sings beautifully and complements our stable of gorgeous music perfectly.
I’ve heard the album of hers that we have many times now. Certainly heard this particular song so many times that I couldn’t count for you how often it has played through our speakers. But tonight, for whatever reason, while I was thinking back on the week that has been, I was unconsciously casting my net out wide to capture the essence of my forever-babe.
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| My beautiful Ellanor. |
While I busied my hands, pulling pasta out of the cupboard, shallots out of the fridge, heating the olive oil in the pan, thinking at the same time about the little piece of us who would never take her place at the table after a bath, the song below came on. And I heard the words for the very first time.
Love songs are like this. The more wistful or yearning, the more they could just as easily be singing about a lost loved one and not just an unrequited love.
So, I hope you enjoy the voice of Stacey Kent and this charming heart-pull of a song.
In the evening
When the kettle’s on for tea
An old familiar feeling settles over me
And it’s your face I see
And I believe that you are there
In a garden
When I stop to touch a rose
And feel the petals soft and sweet against my nose
I smile and I suppose
That somehow maybe you are there
When I’m dreaming
And I find myself awake without a warning
Then I rub my eyes and fantasize
And all at once I realise
It’s morning
And my fantasy is fading like a distant star at dawn
My dearest dream is gone
I often think there’s just one thing to do
Pretend the dream is true
And tell myself that you are there
Lucy: Thank you x
Steve: Graciously received xx
Claire: She has a really lovely voice, so melodic and joyous
Glad you like.
That you do the councelling for others is amazing. I was the grateful recipient of such counseling (via Bonnie Babes) and it saved me.
You are a treasure. Xx
Hugs. Just hugs. Big and lots and lots.
x
Beautiful song, I really like it.
Thanks for sharing that one.
Oh gosh, I feel all tongue tied, so much to say but the words wont come. This post made me feel happy and sad and warm, all at the same time somehow?
Beautiful song, beautiful words and beautiful you
My heart is in my throat. You amaze me. You are so wonderful. xx
A gorgeous tune – and post.
How treasured – to be people's "miracle".
Isn't it amazing that a song you've heard a thousand times can suddenly have a new meaning, or smack you in the head like that with its obvious meaning for you?
Thanks for sharing it with us, and I'm sure you will prove to be a "miracle" for many more people on the end of the phone line.
no words honey….just this… ~x~
That was a beautiful song and you have made a Stacey Kent fan out of me! Thank you for the good work you are doing in grief counseling. It was refreshing to hear you say that it takes little out of you, but helps them so much. I am in the social service field and it is rare to find people like you who see helping others as a joy rather than something that makes their own life a darker place. Keep up the good work!
InkPaperPen: As it should
I think you've actually summed up perfectly what grief this far down the track feels like (to me, anyway).
Bigwords: That is very humbling to hear. xx Thank you.
Mum On The Run: I'm sure not every person's miracle! And really, I think all of us are someone's miracle in some way. It is lovely to hear from someone so far removed, though, I do have to say.
Sharon: I do love it when that happens with songs! Thank you for your kind comment.
Stink-bomb: So totally back at you, R. xox I do plan to cash in on some of these one day
Marci Jane: Hoorah, another fan for Stacey Kent! My work here is done
I only just began to look on it that way – detached and as a sense of respectful service. Hard to strike the balance. It's taken me 2 years since originally doing the training (plus lots more study in between times) to come to this place. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! xo
Just beautiful. I have tears. Thank you for sharing.
I am glad to hear also that you have found your niche and are putting yourself into practice with that particular sort of counselling. I bet it is rewarding to give back in that way.
Hugs to you dear girl xx
I'm sitting in a cafe so I can't listen to the song but I still have tears. You are such an inspiration kirrily & the fact that I know you will resist such a description only makes it truer xx
You are wonderful!
Beautiful.
I've seen photos here before of your Ellanor, but never noticed how much hair is on that pretty little head.
Just beautiful – her voice is lovely. And for your beautiful little girl xx. You're a star in my books lady!!
You have such a big heart, Kirrily. After everything you've been through, I imagine you know exactly the right things parents need to hear after such an horrific loss. I cannot imagine losing a newborn, I cannot imagine losing a child of any age, but a newborn – so long anticipated and carried and felt…
Thank you for doing what you do. For being you…
No other words…….just beautiful! Xx
In a quiet house that song filled my heart.
Thank you.
Yo are amazing, you know that don't you. xxx
Such a wonderful thing you are doing. I know you'll be a huge help to many. Too many xo
So nostalgic! Lovely.
What beautiful lyrics. You have captured your special moment dedicated to your beautiful Ellanor with such palpable love. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for finding me as it's given me the opportunity to find your lovely blog x