Going through periods of change and growth, I have come to respect (and expect) that I will say goodbye to friendships and attachments as I expand my awareness of what makes me tick and that the more I seem to know about the world, the more I don’t know.
I was remembering earlier a girl I used to work with. She had an anxious, confrontational nature, served with lashings of victim mentality and manipulation through (excellent, enjoyable) humour. But manipulation, nonetheless. I worked in the back office and she was the “face” of the company out front. I could tell what kind of day I was in for by the number of times she would turn her head this way and that, keeping her gaze on me, as she asked probing questions before I had even put my bag down in the morning after arriving.
Unfortunately for me, I fell in to the trap of placating her. A caller who slighted her on the phone would cause her to slam open the door to the back office – yes, you can bet it is possible to slam open a door.. try it! – and stand in the doorway protesting loudly about what she had just been subjected to. Or if it was just all too hard, there she would be – door slammed open, taking up the space between our two separate areas.
I never realised while I was there but this individual, who was at least six years my junior, was displaying behaviour that triggered reactions in me. Reactions to my mother that I had not long since tried to bury. I would be working away, concentrating on my screen and the interruption to my thoughts became a violation of sorts to me. Towards the end of her time there, I got to the point of feeling a tenseness creep its way across my shoulders and down my back, there to remain until my working day was over. I braced for the almost imperceptible sound of her rising from her chair, keenly listening out for her footfall on the plastic chair mat under her desk, knowing that at any moment I would be a captive audience of one to the latest vomit of “pity me” about to escape her.
Over time, I made the connection. I recognised the similarity in energy between this young woman and my (estranged from me by that time) mother. It was a moment of choice for me; I vowed to change how I behaved – both in terms of what I gave out and how I internalized what was coming at me – if ever I found myself in the presence of this sort of energy. I knew it now. I had known it all along, having grown up (and been raised) by it. But coming across this type of behaviour and energy output from a source external to my familiar circle helped the penny drop.
Years have passed now and there have been a couple of occasions where I could easily have fallen into the trap of shouldering the “burdens” of this type of energy again. But I haven’t. I see them coming, usually, and practice (sometimes harder than others, depending on the situation) pure love – that is, the sort of non-placating, non-smother/mothering, universal kind of tough love that enables me to stand apart from the individual but remain in compassionate care and, sometimes, service.
This past-time was recalled while I was working today. A paragraph that stood out to me read:
Do no bother to your “brothers of blood”, nor to those belongings you once had in bygone times, who act as reminders to you of your lack of “spiritual perfection”. Instead, begin again and be able-bodied to the basic call to be at one with your spiritual calling. Some “past” influences and experiences in your life will fall away (Death), some will walk by your side (Rebirth), but the sum of it all—both Death and Rebirth—will be TRANSMUTATION.
What this says to me, as I remembered how I was struggling in that time with walking away from that person I worked with (and I still had several others in my life who leeched me in the same way, even though their personalities were different), is that sometimes the fear of change is what prevents us from changing. It says that just because I have behaved in a certain way for however long and it’s expected of me (either by myself or external forces) that I will continue to take it because I know I can handle it, doesn’t mean I have to. Or, indeed, that I need to. No. That actually serves to become a defeatist kind of devolutionary way of handling things.
I know, for me in my circumstance, I had to really look at why I kept attracting the same kind of friends and acquaintances. Not to blame myself, but to learn from it. Working with this girl was the straw that broke the camel’s back – so to speak – and something in me said, “Right. Enough. I’m ready to start anew from Now…. ok, now…. How do I do that again?”
And the rest, with all my study now seven years in the making, is history.
Slowly, very slowly, I began to redefine myself. After Ellanor died, I was forced to start again! I guess I could have chosen not to. But I would have been denying a hell of a lot, had I done that. So with diligence and taking it very easy on myself – for I begin again, and again, and yet again all the time! – I define my own Now. I attract those close in who enrich and fulfil what I do and who I am today. I daresay for the most part, I know the ones who will continue to be there for as many “tomorrows” as I can foresee. But I also know that I don’t really know how I will change and evolve either, as they are continuing to move through their lives too. The fluent movement of friendship has been something I have come to wonder and marvel at – the ones you thought would remain, the ones you were SURE were destined to end explosively and the vast number of surprise delights to be found in people that support your place in your own life. As you are. Now.
There are other posts to be written about this. As well as the flashback moment I had recently regarding my own time in preschool and the conditioning surrounding being raised by a very sick mother. But I am diligently trying to practice keeping posts short these days! (Hmmmm…… how’m I going? cough…. not exactly acing the short post thing so far)
Do you recognise repeat performances in your life? Of friends, family or perhaps colleagues who treat you the same? If so, I wonder what your next step has been/will be (and please don’t feel you need to answer this in the comments, although I always deeply appreciate and welcome them! This is personal, private stuff. Email me if you wish, too 
We are all creations of our past, but we can try and minimise past trangressions and patterns.
I know myself I tend to leap to my children's defence becasue I was bullied as a child. I have had to learn to step back, assess, watch and learn… and only aide if necessary.
Madmother: So interesting. And such a bloody good point! That you are consciously aware of doing that self-analysis/assessment type thing is a really good example (stated far more succinctly than I did!) of what I was getting at. Thanks for your thoughts.
I understand what you were feeling very well, because right now I am in same situation at my work…
Daisy House: oh that's rough. So sorry. But….. I say hesitantly….! It's kinda positive in that if you work it right through to its roots, you may just corterize whatever keeps snagging you about that particular type of energy. Hmmm a hard one indeed, nonetheless. Best of luck.
Recognizing and acknowledging are the first steps toward changing. But of course we cannot change those or the world around us – only ourselves and how we react. But I'm sure that in itself causes others to change in response. It only takes one small cog to start turning the other way for the rest to follow suit.
Steve: For sure! But deciding to become that small cog… that is a conscious choice and surely an important turning point ('scuse the pun, but it was your analogy that forced it!) in the evolution of a being.
I think it is a by-product of the years of cognitive behavioural therapy with Boy 1.
That and actually growing up, lol.
I think a lot of people remain stagnating in high school mentality…
Oh and Steve, it is always something I emphasise to my kids:
You cannot control the actions of another, merely your own re-actions.
Yes, but unfortunately the other party will continue on their merry way thinking that the problem lies with us NOT them
have dealt with many shall we say controlling forces in my life and learnt how to handle and diffuse situations as well as being aware of new ones coming to the fore, yet I still find myself in an eerily similar situation once more. sigh. Sometimes I do wonder if its not me that is the issue LOL?
Just what I needed this week.
Thank you.
Madmother: Ha, yes. Those two things have tended to see me straight as well, among other things.
Car: Well, I think you've touched on an interesting 'wonder' there, mate! That's what I'm saying: It actually is us… there is nothing more blindingly frustrating than that deep knowing that you are right and someone else is wrong
until you flip it around and realise… ah. That's exactly how they see it! (Whether or not they are even aware they have an opinion because I know a number of people who appear oblivious to how their behaviour harms others) So once compassion and consideration can flow – from you, for you cannot be concerned about their actions, reactions or how they perceive you – the anger starts to dissolve and things can begin to feel less inflamed. All we can ever really do, though, is accept that in some cases, we will never get the validation or the voice we think we desperately need to have. Massive, massive lesson that can take years to feel comfortable with. I know!
Mum on the Run: I love to hear that
Ironically enough, my BFF and I were just talking about this (although not as brilliantly stated as you have done). We are realizing, in our 40-ness, that we are both consistently choosing the wrong men to have relationships with. We are both in the process of trying to find out the "why" of that.
Lisa
Lisa: Aaaagh! Such a thing to unravel. But you know what, it's a brilliant day – really – when the realisation comes cos then we can work on it and not feel so much like we're just being tossed around in life's wash.
Excellent post, I have had relationships like what I have read here too. I am better at recognising them earlier now and avoid the pain they cause me.
I think for me it is being a bit older, a bit wiser and more sure of who I am. I decided a while ago that it is okay not to interact with such people and the revelation that not everyone has to like me or be my friend. Believe me, for me this was huge!
Alliecat: Superb. It's a huge revelation, hey! I agree with you on the older thing… although, I hasten to add that I have known people much older than me who don't seem to grasp that as well as some much younger who appear also to have the maturity already to 'have that one in the bag'
The universe is an incredible place metaphorically and physically.
In a metaphorical, poetic life sense – or simply, the life lessons the universe throws your way are learnings we have to grow and accept what will be. Finding the 'you' the real 'you' within the hard moments and rising above those seemingly negative times. Makes a better clearer path, but it is the understandings behind that moment put in your path.
Thank you for this post as while writing the above (seemingly cryptic) and reading your post was my end of the universe at work {yet again} but you highlighted something for me that hit a chord.
A very timely, astute and poignant post for me….many humble thanks
Npamz: Ah, interesting way to put it – the end of the universe at work. yes! For really, we are all existing within universes within universes…. Thank you so much, and you are very welcome!