I have been practising the art of not-blogging until I have something to say. Did you even notice? (I have so many things to say, I can rarely keep off here for longer than a week….)
Well. I have something to say now. About Christmas and consumerism.
Sigh.
Oh, Christmas. How I love, loathe, repel, adore thee.
Last night, our little Lolly graduated from four year-old kinder. We embark officially now on the the looooooongest six weeks of our lives, she and I. The month before her first year of school.
It’s also the time where I put to question my position on Christmas presents for our child. While I don’t think we go overboard, Steve and I, we certainly give the LGBB a good variety of little presents. We’ve noticed they usually get drowned in comparison to what is lavished on her from the family at large though. It sits uneasily with us. We tactfully ask that we “keep it small” on the gifts for the kids. But still we are greeted with this desire to give. Over-give. It feels so wasteful on the one hand. On the other, it is still quite a lot less than so many privileged children receive.
I know my thoughts on it on the surface, but I asked myself the other day whether I truly wanted my child to “have everything” – a term I hear so often used. After a good deal of consideration, I can say that …. no. I don’t want my child to have everything. Experience everything. I know the experience thing is ultimately not up to me; much of that is going to be decided by her and the path she takes through life (which I know first-hand is rarely the one you think you’re set to take). But the having everything is certainly within my control – for the most part – for now.
While all around her Lolly is encountering peers with iPods and every age-appropriate toy money can buy, we are setting a consistent and steady pace with our gifts to her. I cannot comment on what it is like in any other household, but I can safely attest to a child who does not expect a treat at every supermarket check-out. She is not influenced by the unstoppable consumerism of children’s programming interspersed with advertisements for this and that because we simply do not allow commercials in our home. We avoid them by not allowing commercial TV to be viewed ‘live’ and record the shows on these stations to watch later, ad’s skipped. Peace! Divine. And honestly, I really do think it does make a difference not having them in her face. When she sees these commercials, she invariably asks if she can “have one”, whatever it is, because it looks fun. Of course it does! That’s the advertising team’s job. Well done, them.
Rarely, the LGBB and I will watch a show that is on at prime time and I am agog with the amount of bombardment that occurs via advertising. It isn’t long before I click away from that channel because it just feels so forceful if you’ve been out of that loop, as we have now for several years. These commercials always show joyous children happy to push around this toy or that, comb something through a doll’s hair, make ridiculously perfect-looking jewellery…. I know it NEVER is as easy as it appears on the commercials. I know that if we were to be suckered in to buying the product, it’d frustrate my kid to tears because she can’t get it to look “the same” or get the doll to have such fluid movements.
I recall my own deep disappointment with Sand Magic, when I couldn’t make anything remotely resembling the Taj Mahal with my coloured underwater sand. The best I got were two poo-shaped lumps and the majority of the sand was rinsed away down the sink at the end because, hey, nowhere on the box was it recommended you do it in a tub of water. I was only eight, after all. Bastards.
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| Magic Shmagic - Image |
So now we’re in this funny place of asking Lolly if she has an idea of what she would like Santa to bring her. She has only one thing she’d love more than anything else….
“………..Ummmmmmmm…… anything else?” I asked her hopefully. There wasn’t anything else. I was given no other ideas.
I nipped that one in the bud (a stroke of genius that came to me like a bolt out of the blue, thankfully) and explained that unicorns cannot be owned, otherwise their magic goes away. They are beautiful, free creatures that can’t be kept as pets, else their wonder and mystery dies…. She bought it.
I caught myself feeling disgruntled at my daughter’s lack of…. want! Of making it easier for me to buy her things that made her heart fill to absolute bursting when she opened the wrapping paper. She and I have been out of kilter with each other for a few weeks – an “I love Dad more than you, sorry Mum” (yes, she actually said that!) phase – and I was getting to the point of needing to bridge the gap. Using a method that I know is so counter-productive. Buying her affection for me. What the hell?!?
She further bedded in my big lesson yesterday when out of the blue, I was landed with a whopping great kiss and a hug and told that she wanted to write “I love Mum” in all the kinder class Christmas cards we had been making together all afternoon. Now if that was not an obvious example for me that all I need to do in order to be in her good graces is spend quality, productive time together, I don’t know what will point it out to me. Sure, I could get the same affection if I bought her everything her heart desires. But that seems a rather short-lived way of doing it, with no possible end to the amount of money I would need to spend to keep impressing her.
How often do we desire to have something that we cannot have? Something that doesn’t eventuate? Just because we see others with one does it mean it is our right to have one too? If we give, give, give all these toys, when else does she learn about being selective? About not over-indulging? About considering those less fortunate?
It seems we have somewhat successfully created a child who has so far dodged the consumerism bullet. Whether she is completely innoculated, time will tell. But we are going to be resisting as passively as we can, her father and I, all the crazes and must-haves of her generation. She will never go without. But I feel it our duty to instill in her an awareness, that hers is a life of abundance, making do with what she has and what comes her way, regardless of all the things she does not possess.
These might be viewed as concepts too far over a young child’s head. But I don’t believe there is any age too young to teach compassion and awareness of others. Consistently showing and persistently leading an example of whatever values you uphold as a parent, these are naturally going to become part of that child’s expectation and view of their world.
I know we all give a little (or a lot) and we also accept what we are given (for the most part). But do we stop often enough to indulge the little voice that might be asking us to look at the example we are setting to the young people in our lives? I know I don’t stop often enough…. and I’m diligent about it!
What is your take on giving gifts at Christmas?
Try and keep it that way, to not be wanting a lot, that's a great thing to have in this consumer driven world. I'm hoping MiniMe stays the same too!
We do a book, a toy and a clothes. That's all. It does get harder with peer pressure at school. I tell them that "we DO stuff more than we GET stuff…"
Lovely you, lovely Lolly. Xxx
MummyK: I'm hopeful it is possible. Good luck to you too!
Lucy: I love this. Sounds like you've got a groove happening. Inspirational. Thanks so much for commenting.xx
I'd noticed your blogging "break"
I asked Mr just turned 5 what would he like santa to bring. His response: A remote control toy bird.
A what??? I have never seen a remote control bird. ever. anywhere.
so when he requested to have his training wheels of his bike that now looks way to small for him I suggested that maybe Santa could bring him a new bike. He seemed to like that idea. Hope that is still the case on christmas morning.
To be perfectly honest I'm over christmas. and it hasn't even happened yet…
I'd like someone to ask me what I would like for Christmas!
I wish I had read this before I had children.
When my son was 18 months, I saw Toy Story 2 on sale and bought it. I loved the movie as a child and I thought "How cute would it be to watch it with my toddler"
Big Mistake.
Around the same time, Toy Story 3 came out and the toys/books etc were everywhere.
We'd go to the shops and he would want "Buzz books please!" and "Mum, Buzz jarmies!". He was much more interested with all the merchandise than the movie itself.
Then he cottoned onto Cars and Cars 2 and suddenly our house is full of McQueen (not the Alexander kind either!).
Great post anyway and I love how you deterred her want for a unicorn!
Vicky: You know, you raise two darn fine points… 1) What would WE like for Christmas and 2) where in the world does one find a remote control bird?! Very amusing, that one. I feel quite unfestive myself.
Melinda: Shame it's not the McQueen of the Alexander variety, yes! Sorry it's come over two years too late for you but very pleased to read that you liked the post (with its late advice!). Those merchandise wheels are just massive with no beginning and no end. Avert! Avert their eyes from the ad's!!
I think what you are doing is right. We don't watch TV so my kids aren't influenced by ads and merchandise. We aim to keep things simple.
Just the other day I asked my husband if we were doing it too simple, I mean other people we know are spending $1,000 per child. He said no, they aren't interested in all of that and besides we know they will treasure what they are getting.
For my daughters 4th birthday I took her to the toy store and told her to pick what she wanted. She chose a $20 doll. I asked if she wanted anything else, even suggested other stuff and she said no. On her birthday we gave her a few other things. The only she has played with is that doll.
Lesson learnt.
I heard on the radio a few weeks ago a woman who had 2 primary school aged kids had a tradition of the kids buying/making presents for her and their dad as well as each other, wrapping them and putting them under the tree. She said it blows her away how intuitive her kids are about gift giving, and how they enjoy the giving as much if not more than the receiving.
I have done the same this year with my kids. Thomas chose headphones for his daddy, Nicole bought Daddy a new mouse for his lap top. Both things daddy needed, both chosen by the kids with no coaching. So yes I am blown away as well. It was so sweet, the joy they got wrapping those gifts themselves, even if the wrapping is falling off it's so special to them.
They are yet to get each other anything, that's this weekend's adventure and daddy is looking forward to taking them shopping for mummy.
I completely agree with you! My 3.5 year old is also a bit clueless about the whole consumerism thing as she only gets to watch DVDs (no commercial television at our house either). I was talking to her about Santa the other day and asked her what she would like Santa to bring her and she said "a present". I asked "what kind of present" and she said "a green one".
She does LOVE getting presents but isn't obsessed with any specific thing. I love that about her, and hope it stays that way for as long as possible.
Kylie Ofiu: That's perfectly put – they aren't interested in all that, I agree! At her birthday this yr, we were deeply embarrassed by the amount of money people had obviously spent. It's so unnecessary and most of those toys sit idle now, there are too many for her to make a choice! Thank you for adding your voice here.
Amelise: Hi! We are a HUGE present-making household. At the moment, we have a papier mache bowl project going on for Nanna
It will be cherished because her granddaughter has spent so much loving time on it… even if it ends up wonky as all get-out! Sounds beautiful, what your kids are doing.
MsKymOG: Something green! Oh that makes my heart sing. Priceless. And something definitely to be nurtured. Your daughter sounds to have a similar take to mine on presents – the love of them and the graciousness about receiving (and giving) but no particular "must" attached to anything. Thanks so much for leaving a comment.
Kylie – a $1000 … wt???? I'm gob smacked…
As I have two teenagers now, I have started doing "experiences" with them for Christmas. for my daughter who turns 16 on the 3 Jan, we are going to see Mary Poppins, and Romeo and Juliet in March. She is delighted and excited. The thought of getting dressed up and going to the theatre…
that all said no-one has asked me what I would like for christmas…
Vicky: I would love something like that now, let alone as a teenager! Wonderful idea. And by the way…. thank you for noticing that little absence of mine, lovely
We carefull stick to budgets and try to come up with a variety of presents – some that we know the boys actively want, others that we think they will appreciate and will stretch them. But the budget never moves. It can't. Other wise we'd go crazy and end up in debtors gaol for New Year. And no kid wants that. Ever.
Steve: That would definitely be a big Christmas Downer. Agreed.
Sometimes the excessive side of Christmas frustrates me. Grandparents seem to buy as much as me and I feel it's my turn to do the spoiling (in the name of Santa) I'm frustrated when grandma buys more than Santa! My daughter has always had stuff she's wanted at anytime just about which makes it a pain at Christmas because she 'needs' nothing but because of her personality type it's worked well for us. She 'wsnts' nothing. Doesn't ask for anything and is money aware. We wrap up gifts for our sponsored child, do Christmas boxes for others etc. teaching them to be aware of their privilege is an all year round lesson. Christmas is for frivolity (in our house).
Kellogsville: That's such a big part of it, it IS 'our time' to get it right, spoil, ration, whatever way it fits for our children. Very good point.
I am totally with you!! I don't think we do any service to our kids by giving them what they want. I think those kids that grow up with every latest toy including a car on their 18th birthday, become bored very quickly and search for other ways to feel like they have purpose. I think theirs something good about saving for your first car. If it was given to you, that's when you go looming for something else to do, like drugs.
Anna: Yes. Agreed! That's been our mentality behind doing this. It's been a conscious, concerted effort and not easy by halves, to keep firm to our values and not give her all these "things". What's that saying, though? "The most important things in life are not things"? Thank you for your input! Great to see you here.
A wonderful post !
We don't celebrate Christmas so it all looks so over the top bordering on hysteria.
We do have similar challenges at birthdays.
My heart sang when my eldest asked for "something that you can make something with it" for his birthday.
Birthday parties are modest- "Ah you're not bringing a clown" – No- the children might even interact with one another , G-d forbid.
Grandparents have a right to spoil their grandchildren. Lucky for me my mother-in-law is an open minded primary teacher who was born to be an educator , so most gifts have that in mind.
What about a sponsor child or similar as a gift?
I am also conscious of how indulged our Magoo is.
I have acquired a little thing about the 'only child, spoiled child' stigma too. It plays on my mind.
Magoo has plenty – and then some (and some more).
But he does not get everything he asks for – and appreciates/cares for what he does get.
I've really enjoyed donating gifts to charities and doing the Shoebox Appeal with Magoo this Christmas. I want him to have some understanding that others are not as prviliged.
It's an egotistical age, but they can comprehend charity.
RotemZ: I like your son's thinking too! I agree with you, it does border on hysteria – we celebrate Christmas but stand outside of the mad dash that goes on. Now that we have done that, it's much more relaxed for us. I love a good modest birthday party, they are the best. You are lucky with your MIL, I must say – they have a right to spoil them, I agree, but even so, I wish there was more emphasis on lavishing attention and time on them and not being "paid off" with unnecessary gifts… It means so much more in the end.
Mum on the Run: I'm a big fan of that sort of gift. There is a stigma, if you choose to buy in to it… I started focusing too much on going against that and had to pull myself up because it was taking me too far away from what was really important: Her. Us and her. How we uniquely do it will be like no one else, not even another single-child family
I love what you're doing with your Magoo. Yes, it may well be an egoic (some say eccentric? even narcisstic?!) age, however it is also incredibly open and generous and instinctively giving. In so many cases, I believe it is environment and conditioning that shut us (children) down.
I'm another one who doesn't (didn't) want my kids to have everything. I wanted them to have the joy of earning, saving, otherwise getting something dearly wanted, without just asking and having it handed over. I also taught them early the difference between needs and wants and that wanting or getting everything they wanted was not good for them, because there would no longer be any anticipation. Half the joy of a much wanted object (gift) is the anticipation.
Like you, I was able to take them shopping (all four at once), and not have them all whinging throughout the stores and at checkouts for everything in sight.
River: It's heartening to hear it can be done, right into adulthood. Thank you for the inspiration!
I want my kids to have everything.
All the love, happiness, confidence, strength in the whole world.
But own everything? no way.
I am gobsmacked by how much some people spend on christmas. Where each present is a laptop, a movie camera, a car (ok i've never known of a car being given away, but probably soon).
It's nice to give presents, stuff that knows you've thought about that person and what they might like. But keep things in perspective peeps.
M2M
A rainbow unicorn and a shed for him to sleep in – a beautiful wish!
This is one thing that my husband and I disagree on and I don't think I will ever get my way. As far as he is concerned a big part of Christmas is buying gifts, and lots of them! I would happily make my small handmade gifts and I'm sure the kids would have loved to receive just that if they hadn't experience the power of walking around a toy shop and wishing for things and their dad happily obliging…
I'm not a Mum yet but hope I can maintain this type of balance when I have children. It scares the daylights out of me when I imagine the requests of my future children when already you hear of 6 year olds requesting Ipads.
How precious that Lolly requested a unicorn and what a perfect response you were able to deliver!!
I give up on trying to give the "please don't overdo it this Christmas with kids" message. Seems no one cares or listens. I'm also in on a KK with a group of friends that has been running almost 15 years now, but it has to stop. We're all well in to our 30s and none of us need anything. The giving is so out of control, and sometimes it feels as if I'm totally swimming against the tide.
Whenever I suggest people tone it down, give to charity instead, spend less etc etc I feel as if I'm met with such disdain. Sigh. I will keep trying though, as something has to "give".
xo