Friday, 30 December, 2011 06:40
Written by Kirrily
Ellanor was borne into being long after she became a thought. I had introduced her to my closest confidantes before I got pregnant. She included herself in our lives before she was born. She touched down here for the most fleeting of days – 31 to be very exact – and then tripped back off again. Leaving me to gather together all the memories she had left me with, so I could lean on them. Desperately at first. Despairingly, longingly. But always fondly. Even the hard memories. And then I got stuck into sharing them, mostly here on this blog (and my old one). The more I did, the more I discovered that she remained vital in not just my life but the lives of others.
Later in 2004, I had not a clue, not a whisper of a dare of a hope that I might ever feel like opening my eyes for one more day on this Earth, let alone wonder if any more children were to be our fate. It’s just lucky for us that it was. That I never continued my thought process to my eventual untimely end (and how to do it).
It’s a tricky thing.
She had to leave. I had to stay. But I know why now.
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| Miss Lolly, a month after she burst my heart open even wider |
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| The most endearing face in my world, 2008 |
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| Even when she makes more work for me, she is still my Heaven – 2011 |
For if she had not, the world would not have been able to welcome the shining light that is Ellanor’s little sister. Like revolving doors, the two girls slipped past each other. Never destined to meet in the flesh.
But those memories I hold in my soft mother heart are Lolly’s. They are there for her to wade in, explore, develop for herself. Memories that did not bring Ellanor into being but that ensure she has no beginning or end here on Earth, as it is wherever she goes now. She is the one who is free. She is the one who had the vision to come. And to go. How can I ultimately be anything but impressed by that sheer will? I am frankly in awe of her.
As long as we keep remembering. Their existence will continue to flourish.
In dedication to all the babies who are being cradled
in the memories of their families this festive season.
Peace be with you all.
Together, we will never let them fade.
my breath is caught in my throat… so very beautiful… thank you for sharing. xxx
Love to you and your babies, Kirrily.xx
Beautiful souls. And blessings, every one.
xox
so beautiful, may she never be forgotten.
~x~
Lolly is beautiful. I love how you keep your Ella's memory alive. xx
Just realised I had tears running down my face… xx you know that I know that I know that you know xx
Tess B
You are beautiful and so are your words that describe your girls in such a divine way. xx
Oh Kirrily, I always find such peace and acceptance in your words. You inspire me so much.
You also make me cry, but I will forgive you because you're amazing x
Beautiful, all three of you xxx
"Like revolving doors, the two girls slipped past each other. Never destined to meet in the flesh"
How this bites – my first daughter did this – we call her two little sisters Rowan's gift though – without her gone we could not have them. Like your Ellanor she was strong too – stronger than the doctors expected – she made us so proud.
Best wishes to you and yours and thankyou – it's painful to remember sometimes but sweet all the same
So tender and so heartfelt. Love how you have described the feelings of your heart. Also love the pictures. What a gorgeous cherub. Hugs and love to you. N x
Thank you for your heartfelt comments.
Stephanie: Yes! A baby who beats the doctors' odds is something to cherish. Ultimately, something else got our little one – just one too many odds to keep fighting. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story here.
Crying. Love you much K and so happy that through you I can know your beautiful girls. Hope to see you soon xx
" Like revolving doors, the two girls slipped past each other. "
Love love this phrase.
M2M
Revolving doors is a great way to put this into perspective. How blessed you are to have cradled two gorgeous girls. x
And here I come on a day when I need to hear these words, and there they are, and written by you of course, as if it would be any other way.
Thank you for being you, for Elleanor and LGBB, for being open and honest always.
Hugs from me to you. xxx
Kakka, a big hug to you xx
Back to read this again. Just exquisite. xo
Back to read this again. Just exquisite. xo
Revolving doors got me. I just love your analogies. How you smoothly flow from describing and invoking raw despair, total heartache, to such beauty and joy in such a brief post, your journey is amazing and inspiring. <3
(Do I sound like I have a girl crush yet? Rabid fan maybe? Love you K!
)
Through watery eyes I write to you to say thankyou.For the first time since my first sooo wanted and waited for pregnancy ended in miscarriage I feel there was a reason and the pain has been lessened.I have a beautiful girl who is turning 18 this week who would otherwise not have been.Bless your sweet heart x
If you're a rabid fan, I want more!
xxxxxx
Hello! Thank you so much for connecting today to let me know how this changed things for you. 18 years to carry that… wow. And I can fully appreciate all the why's of that. You might like to consider my little side-project, about guest posting here your perspective of your experience. If, when… whatever (if you were at the bloggers' conference on Friday you will have my card in your swag bag). xxx
As always, the perfect words to convey my feelings.
Zayn drew his family at school the other day and included Mariam. What a blessed, sweet boy who continues to keep her memory alive. He told me the other day that he met her when they were both in my belly and that she was pretty cool.
Be still my heart.
Amaly, how very special. Indeed. Much love xxx
beautiful x
Thankyou so much for your kind offer but I dont blog.Im not very tech savvy.I only stumbled upon your great site from Twitter.Because so many have said to me "it was Just a miscarriage" I would never be able to write about it as I feel guilty like I dont have a right to feel so bad,as other women have lost real babies and their pain is far worse than mine.So thankyou again for giving me a safe place to fall,and feel its ok,even for just a moment.