Hello, lovely girl.
I’m getting swept up in wistful thoughts again. Wishing you were here this week.
Your little sister and I are getting ready to make a sweet feast on your birthday. You would have turned eight this Friday. I know 8. I remember 8. I felt so old, so grown-up. So ready to take on the world. It felt like an important birthday to me. Seems like such a wholesome number.
I feel a bit cheated this year for the first time in several years. Perhaps because I can remember being 8. And that hope-filled eight year-old in me is confused by all the hurt and pain. I have to nurture her, too, you know. Break this to her very gently. The world hurts. But it is such a beautiful hurt.
Thank you, my darling soul mate, for teaching me that lesson as well.
The other day, I was distracted in the kitchen. Stirring something on the stove, thinking several things at once. Deep in concentration. Out of the corner of my eye, my little girl walked in from the next room and stood a short distance away, saying expectantly, “Mum….” I looked up and said “Yeah?”, expecting to see Lolly. She wasn’t there. No one was. I stared at the vacant spot, disappointed my head hadn’t turned a split second sooner. Lolly was metres away, caught up in her Barbie website. She looked over at me when I spoke and asked me, “What, Mum?” “Oh… nothing,” was all I could stammer.
It was you, wasn’t it? Well, thanks for coming, anyway! It was so wonderful to glimpse you. It’s been too long.
You’re there. I know you’re there. Here’s our song again, just for us. You and me, sweet pea.
You gorgeous, soft, strong, delicate rose. You hold the whole world, the entire Universe, in your soul. I know you do.
I miss you, Boo. I truly do.
Love
Love
Love,
Your Earth-bound Mother x
To view more letters to Ellanor and anniversary posts, please click here and scroll down.
Much much love to you, K.xx
Sending you much love. x
Your love for precious Ellanor shines through in every word.
She is loved.
She is missed.
She is remembered.
xo
Sending love as always, she will never be forgotten xxxx
Brenda: Thank you for being there xx
Naomi: Just need a big silent sigh.
Hope's Mama: Don't you know it. Thank you with all my heart, from mine to yours xx
stinkb0mb: Gracious as ever. You never cease to amaze me, Rach xx
So beautiful on so many levels. Xxxx
Penny: Thank you so much for reading! I see we might meet at the DPC in March?? (apologies in advance if I don't find you)
Funny…Maryanne would have been 8 last year…on the anniversary of her (still)birth, I have a small, fragile yellowy rose bush that flowers every year…I still have a dried posy from her church service made by one of the nuns…last week as I was watering it, the same small butterfly that visits every year stopped by for a while and teased her sisters' new kitten…They never leave us, our angels.
awww Kikkz *sniff* Totally beautiful. Thinking of you all, big time.
Sandra: Oh how beautiful. Thank you so much for telling me that story. Isn't it amazing how the flowers know?? Not to mention butterflies.
Fashels: And love you long-time. Thanks for checking in, dude.
K, sending much love and thank you for sharing her with me. Such a privilege to know her story and you.Will be thinking of you on Friday xxxx
Some things in life both break and mend the heart all at the same time.
Big hugs. x
Gave me goosebumbs! What a powerfully emotive post. Hugs xx
Thinking of you all.
Suz: The pleasure is all mine, you know. xx Thank you.
Steve: Don't they just? Perfectly put. As always. Big hug.
Lisa H: I will take those. Thank you!
E.: thanks so much. Love to you.
Hugs to you my friend. My heart aches for you and I love that you write about it so we can all feel of her as well. N x
She's always there. xxx
From something that was so wrong…you make it seem so right. Beautiful amazing ethereal words. Much love to you. xx
Naomi: I am so glad it gives you (and others) a sense of her. It's the only way I can share my child, and don't we as parents always love to share our children with the world and give them that sense of place x
Annieb25: Sometimes I forget! x
Thea: Ah but it wasn't wrong
Something I worked hard to accept once I realised. She was not born to live long. Fact. xxx
Chills, because I can feel her there.
Tears, that she is not 'there' to eat the birthday feast.
xxx
I just read this at work and got tears in my eyes. Huge hugs to you xxx
Claire, thank you for finding a way to voice where the hurt is coming from. That's exactly it – the fact that she's not *actually* here to consume her rightful feast
Jane, bless you! Hope the mascara stayed put. xx Mine often doesn't…
what a beautiful ritual for you and your daughters to have. Anniversaries are a mix between remembering whats not here and how much you've learnt since the first one. Big hug and beautiful words x
Beautiful post. Hugs to you xx
I think I managed to spell my name wrong above?!? I think the tears were blurring my vision sorry!
This is a beautiful and deeply moving love letter. I am sorry for your loss. Thankyou for sharing the tangible essence of your love for Ellanor.
Oh hun. Thinking of you and Eleanor x
Happy New Year Kerrily,thanks for dropping by. I'm trying to catch up with my blog friends now that I'm back, and reading this post of yours I feel the same-but-different understanding that you share, with your comment over at my 'Leaving'post. I guess the emotional clock will go through many re-settings yet – even to the end of time! Love Jeneane
Oh K… I dont have the words to do this post justice… There is but a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.
I've no doubt that was your first baby girl coming to say hi to her Earth Bound Mummy; they are so close yet so far xx
Oh this made me cry (in a good way). What a precious and amazing thing to have happen to you, Kirrily. I'm still waiting to see my boy, and although I know it will hurt it'll be good too.
Eight.
Wow.
What a heartfelt and beautiful post for her. Hugs to you.
Beautiful. Thank you for reminding me about the 'beautiful' part of hurt that comes with a deep love loss. May she rest in peace and light that shines on you.
*tears*. you are amazing.