The floating feeling for thirty-one days between the anniversaries of her birth and her death did not happen this year. For the first time, I was healed enough. Perhaps it was just that I was distracted enough. We’ll be going gently today, Steve and I. We know what happened on this day, eight years ago. We were both there, after all. The weight of that tiny body will forever be felt in our arms.
The LGBB began school a week ago. If this day had not fallen on a weekend, I wonder if I would have had any time to notice the date at all.
You are newer to my story than I. It has been seeping in to my core for eight years now. I am not new to it. You may be coping with your own recently started infant loss journey. It may seem unfathomable that today could be anything but intensely sad forever… I get that, completely. I previously couldn’t have imagined the day of the anniversary of my firstborn’s passing being less than horrid every year myself.
In any case, I do not wish to diminish the impact I have previously always felt on this day. But I cannot deny that there has been a lightening of my burden. I hope this is a comfort to you, rather than insulting.
I have done and written all I can, from every angle and every which way but crazy…. well, no, that’s not true; I’m quite certain at a few points during the life of this blog I have written whilst under the influence of my own tormented insanity – a mother’s insanity – and I make no apology for this maternal crazy-insane slant in some of my earlier posts. I am sure that Ellanor will continue to provide me exceptionally well-timed points of learning.
For today, however, I hope that each of you will take the time to welcome her fairytale life into your hearts by reading the story in the link below.
I think, yes. On both counts. It is truly breathtaking. The message is Universal, in a way it represents the profound meaning of all life. But if you are currently in the turmoil of this in your own life, then it must be you who decides.
Please do come back and leave a comment here if you are moved to do so.
This is such a wonderful thing to have shared. Lightening of burden doesn't diminish the love and life (short or long) we shared with our lost one, but it does mean we can enjoy emotional well-being. And that's important not just for ourselves but the Living whose love and lives we share.
Joy to you and your family
YES, J! So well said. It was only about 4 years ago that I realised one day…. the pain I show (or don't show) doesn't diminish how much she meant to us, or her importance in her place in the world. It was a trap I had unknowningly placed myself in, for as you heal you naturally hurt less but the guilt and fear of letting that pain go can sometimes be what is holding us back from recovering to a full life (all the more enriched from sharing it with the loved one now deceased). Know what I mean?
Thanks so much for dropping in! xx
Beautiful. Inspiring. xxx
I'm sure your words will provide comfort and hope to many families and it's really lovely to hear that you are experiencing a little more lightness this year x
Beautiful. x
Thinking of you today, as I often do for various reasons and especially so this week when I saw Ella's name with her small heart that I use to signify important baby dates in my diary. Such a lovely story, I enjoy it every time I read it. I am glad the burden has lightened for you, I feel it has somewhat for me too, and I too could never have imagined a time when it would.
A gorgeous friend who lost a baby some 20 odd years ago said to me soon after our loss "Time doesn't heal, so don't let anyone tell you it does. But is does makes the loss easier to bear." With the benefit of some time, I now understand. Wise woman.
xxx
Hi Kylie, thank you for commenting. I feel very honoured you dropped by x
Isn't it just? Makes me catch my breath.
Lightness does not mean one has to forget. Living in unison with the two… I choose that. Thank you Kirri xo
She was so right, Allie! And I wouldn't ever have taken those as words of comfort from anyone but another bereaved parent (I'm rather ashamed but adamant to say).
A few weeks after we lost our tiny Maryanne, my girls' violin teacher said to me "Right now, you have a fresh wound…you'll keep picking the scab off and it will bleed over and over again…with time, you'll let the scab heal, and it will become a scar, and in time, it too will fade, but it will always be there…" I didn't get it at the time, but nine years on, I do. She should know, she'd gone through threee miscarriages and two still-births and forty-odd years later, she still remembered each of her babies.
I was nodding along with every sentence of your post. 6 and a half years on after losing Mariam and my burden has lightened. The memory, the love, the heartache will never really fade, but the raw pain has diminshed. It is a new depth of perspective.
Just a beautiful story <3
I'm so glad to hear that you journey has brought you to a point of finding peace and that you are willing to share this journey with us. I've never been there myself but I have a couple friends who have lost children at a very early age and with one it was her first and last. She never recovered and I cannot help but think if someone had paved the way for her and gave her some shred of hope for healing that she might have taken that route herself to at least hope for peace. Her life ended tragically. A mother's journey no matter what the journey is always best shared with someone and hopefully someone loving like yourself.
Second time in as many days a comment of yours has blown my socks off, Annabellz. xxx It is a wretched, lonely, isolating thing to go through and yes, can end with the parent tragically doing the only thing they know how to escape the tremendous pain. Very sad. I hope she is now at peace.
Hi Sandra. Yes, the familiar voice of experience. Peace to you. I'm so sorry you lost Maryanne.
Amaly, I still hold Mariam in my heart and think of her each October. I remember those days so well xxx
Just huge warm hugs to you today. Happy peaceful understanding soothing hugs that say I am so proud to call you my friend. xxx
A beautiful, calm post, strong, reassuring.
I am currently in those floating days you describe, between two key dates for a loss, where you cannot rest or return to earth to lead your normal life. i didn't expect it.
I agree with Annabelitz that you have a gift to share now.
Lots of love
M2Mx
Love and strength to you and from you always. x
Striving to find myself in the place that you are in. I will use you as a guiding light. Thank you for sharing Ella, and yourself with us all. You have a gift in your words. Keep using them the way you do.
xo
The feeling is most certainly mutual xxoxox Thank you so much.
Steve, you always know just what to say. Hope things are bright in your neck of the woods this week.
Just passing it on, dear Sally xx You will be that Light too for someone (or many).
Beautiful – and so, so needed by many people, I'm sure.
I'm so pleased for your own healing – it's testament to your amazing awareness and strength. x
Everyone has it. I truly believe it. It's just sometimes we don't believe it of ourselves xo
Oh Kirrily, I wish I'd taken your advice and grabbed the tissues… I sit here with tears streaming down my face after reading quite possibly the most exquisitely heartbreaking story ever and I just dont know what to say except I am so sad your angel is no longer with you but so happy she has such a legacy to be remembered by. Much love to you x
Beautiful n intensly sad! I was telling my mum about your story n your book n she had a 11.5 wk premmie baby 29 yrs ago, my sister lived but mum had post nanetal depression, untreated n a toddler who pushed her away. It's the first time I said that I think she had post natenal depression n she agreed. She joined a support group when my sister was 9 months n was asked 2 write an article, she couldn't do it then! I told her it's not 2 late n perhaps I can ask someone like u 2 let her share her story, it would finally allow her to move on, to let go, be liberated in telling her story. I commend u n sympathize with u 4 sharing ur heart wrenching story which is all so familiar 2 many couples!
It only works if you pass it on
Thank you so much for taking the time to read the story, Donna xxx
I hope your Mum finds the peace she seeks x
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