Okay, while you read this, you’ve gotta do something for me. It might go against every grain of sensibility in you. But… will you make an exception? And play the following clip?
The short of it is, this is just about my most favourite ABBA song. It’s one of their best. I could listen to it every day and not get sick of it. But then… I was a MASSIVE fan back in the day!
Go on… hit play… if you’re not tapping some part of your body or trying to sing the chorus by the end, well…. it’s lost on you (and let’s never speak of my adoration of ABBA again, in that case):
The long of it is, at the moment it’s kinda bloody true! See, I’m going really well – I haven’t cried for Pepper in days now, it’s been a week and a bit since I helped her go to sleep on our kitchen floor.
Thing is, though, even though I saw that big ol’ needle going in and held her head on my hands and reassured her to her death, I have been haunted by dreams that the drug didn’t work and that she is actually still alive.
Three times now I have dreamed very real dreams where I have to decide whether to call the vets and tell them it didn’t work or just shrug and say, “Well… we tried, Pep, looks like you’re here until you really want to go.”
They are absolute torture! Last night, during the dream, I actually told myself she was really dead. The needle had actually worked. I hope it signals the end of them. I don’t know what it means, I haven’t analysed them and I’m not asking or expecting you to, gentle reader. But man! I am nearly at the point of putting my fists on my hips and asking the wise Universe…. What gives?!
I got appointments, work I have to do
Keeping me so busy all the day through
They’re the things that keep me from thinking of you
Ohhh baby, I miss you so, I know I’m never gonna make it
Oh, I’m so restless, I don’t care what I say
And I lose my temper ten times a day
Still it’s even worse when the night’s on its way
It’s bad, oh, so bad
Somehow I’d be doing alright if it wasn’t for the nights
(If it wasn’t for the nights I think that I could make it)
I’d have courage left to fight if it wasn’t for the nights
(If it wasn’t for the nights I think that I could take it)
How I fear the time when shadows start to fall
Sitting here alone and staring at the wall
Even I could see a light if it wasn’t for the nights
(Even I could see a light I think that I could make it)
Somehow I’d be doing alright if it wasn’t for the nights
(If it wasn’t for the nights I think that I could take it)
No one to turn to, you know how it is
I was not prepared for something like this
Now I see them clearly, the things that I miss
Ohhh baby, I feel so bad, I know I’m never gonna make it
I got my business to help me through the day
People I must write to, bills I must pay
But everything’s so different when night’s on its way
It’s bad, oh, so bad
Somehow I’d be doing alright if it wasn’t for the nights
I’d have courage left to fight if it wasn’t for the nights
How I fear the time when shadows start to fall
Sitting here alone and staring at the wall
Even I could see a light if it wasn’t for the nights
Guess my future would look bright if it wasn’t for the nights
(If it wasn’t for the nights I think that I could make it)
Ah mate, grief is a journey completely of itself. And nobody has to tell you that. What do the dreams mean…? Only you can figure out the symbolism because it is purely and personally yours… but the longing and the grief and the pain and the guilt are all there. But the love is there too. And that's the biggest part. Hugs. x
But Steve! The song! It's ABBA…..
You are correct. Love. The biggest part. The most important one too. They'll shake off eventually (the dreams), it's been confronting to start the day forgetting she's not outside. Reminding myself gently she's not there. But it's all ultimately good. I feel very good about her not being here any longer. If that makes sense.
I'll be honest with you. More and more I am feeling rhe compulsion to buy am ABBA greatest hits. And I feel no shame when I say that.
Oh sweetie… I totally understand.
I held my horses head in my lap while we fed him beer (I KNOW! But the vet recommended it) and then he was given the big needle. I am glad I didn't watch. He was such a beautiful kind boy.
Once you have processed it all the dreams will stop. xx
This is what a friend of mine sent to me when we found out about our not quite 2yo kelpie cross having kidney failure. Oh so special. Oh so true.
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ''I know why.''
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live.
He said,''People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The Six-year-old continued,
''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.''
I'm sorry it's late, (I have been MIA for a while blog-wise, just catching up now at this late hour) but I couldn't pass by without saying I am sorry for your loss of your darling Pep. It is nice to know that at the end she was being loved and hugged by her human mummy. Tears for you and your girl xxx
Stephanie, thanks so much for this comment. How beautiful! From the mouths of the wise young babes, hey? I am so sorry you had to put your young dog to sleep so soon. Kelpies are the best. My favourite! Pepper was a Kelpie cross and so is our other dog.
Good man. You really ought to get Arrival, though. Brilliant album. You think I'm joking, don't you?
I have guessed this will happen too, Kelley. Once I process this, the dreams will stop. Yes. Thank you. Funnily enough, the dream did not occur last night xo
Hey Allie, how've you been? Thank you. Yes I hugged her all the way, just like I always did xo
I'm so sorry. It is always so hard to deal with losing a pet.
First of all, ABBA are awesome. End of conversation.
It takes time, I still sometimes think I see our old boy out of the corner of my eye and he's been gone a few years.
I love Stephanies comment. So beautiful.
ABBA solves all problems, eventually. I hope every day is getting easier for you, K. x