As with all things regarding Pepper – who might very easily have been a “dangerous dog” due to her breed/instinctive nature – we were very careful and methodical with her introduction to our new arrival.
I have mentioned previously the irony of my sometimes one and only saviour in a years-long strive for children being not the most ideal choice for family pet where young children might be concerned. It didn’t mean we were ever going to give her away – give up on her – when our only surviving child finally came along. In fact, it meant we could finally complete our family (in a strange mixed-species kind of way).
I am having a really difficult night of it. Could be the end of an emotional week. Could be the fact that Steve inadvertently slipped that he was going to go and “feed the dogs”….. before looking at me with a pained, apologetic look. But I lost it. I was sitting on the LGBB’s bed at the time and just let go the tears.
I miss her still. Dreadfully. The more old (young, prime) photos and video footage I see, the more I yearn. It is right this way, though. She lived a very long, full life. She was a dog to top all dogs – no, not yours! of course – and no matter if we rescued another fifty dogs, we will never find another Pepper.
How freaking lucky was I, to find her? I will appreciate that girl for the rest of my days.
Here she is, being introduced to our daughter (aged about four months, is my guess) for the first time. Note how she is all about me, regardless of the new “thing” that she knew was taking all our time and attention away. Loyal, always loyal, to her masters. Putting herself at the end of the line, where any well-serving, dutiful dog should go.
And then there’s Jazz. Gorgeous in her own way, but so happy-go-lucky that it kind of makes me want to slap it out of her some days. It always did. Where Pepper had the weight of the world – the weight of my reality, really – on her shoulders, Jazz had only the buoyant promise of New Life on hers. Like the yin-yang of life itself. I do so love and cherish them both. But my heart will forever be with Pepper. She was like a saviour to me.
Today, I don’t mind saying….. I am really, really feeling her absence and feel misunderstood by everyone. She always “got” me (mostly ’cause she couldn’t talk and stuff up! Don’t you love how dogs do that for you? Just give and never take? Sweet relief)
Oh Kirrily, It is with a sad heavy heart that I read your blog post tonight. I am really sorry for your loss of your gorgeous Pepper. It is such a sad sad time when you lose the furry friends in your family. May she always be at your side. It makes me want to go and give my furry boy a big hug, he is sadly getting to the end of his life too now and every time his poor old legs collapse on him, (which is more and more frequent of late) I am reminded that our lovely journey together may be over sooner that I would like. Rest peacefully Pepper and big hugs to you. xx
No shame in feeling that loss more and more instead of less and less. That weight represents a whole lotta love.
xxxx
On a different note, I just watched this video, then the one of your baby girl half rolling (Pepper sticking her big eyes in) and then jumped to the video of LGBB dancing. She grew up in an instant! Beautiful to watch. Those sorts of things make my heart do a little dance. That's almost what it can feel like in real life. xxx
You are so fortunate to have a dog still with you who is so different to the friend you have just said goodbye to. It means you will always be able to talk about Pepper and how wonderful he was without feeling guilty that you are comparing him to Jazz. Over time you will really begin to appreciate and love Jazz because of the differences and enjoy the fact that you have known two canine companions as opposed to the same one over and over again. I speak, of course, from experience.
Hi Cheryl, thank you. I completely get it. I spent the final 3 (at least!) years of Pepper's life regretting every fall, every slightly increasing loss of function she had. But she hobbled over the line at a very ripe old age. May you have many, many more hugs with your dear boy yet.
I carried around your words this weekend. Thank you, Steve. You're such a generous giver of words xx.
I couldn't agree more! I am really relieved they are so different, all said and done. Just as a dog like Pepper could not have helped me by being "more like Jazz" if Jazz had gone first, for they are so unique – like people!
S, yes. I'm so pleased to realise we grabbed the video camera to show these moments even though day to day, it feels like we don't capture nearly enough. We live in a wondrous age! Decades/generations ago, they were lucky to have ONE still photo of themselves (and then they were luckier still if it wasn't blurred!).
Just watched "good girl". so gorgeous. reminds me of my old dog. i still miss her. So much wisdom in those faces.
M2M
Cute picture.