Today, a little (big) rant. I have ranty pants on. My long ones. That go right to my ankles. If you’re yawning already, please do yourself a favour and move along right now. This is not the blog you’re looking for….
My second day with an exhausting strain of your typical winter cold. Aches, chills, runny nose from sinuses so blocked you’re stumped as to how anything could actually have any fluidic movement through them.
Truth be told, I’ve been rundown for a while. Emotionally more than physically. The more astute long-term reader notices this, I know. I have been dealing with things “offline” that have drawn my attentions away – serious family illness/diagnoses, supporting loved ones needing supporting, trials and tribulations of this new “career” of mine as a School Mum and an unusually busy workload that hasn’t let up since the first quarter of the year…. I’m just keeping abreast of it all.
I’ve certainly been struggling for a number of months and I’m feeling more than a tad invisible. It’s hard, as I am aware you’re only oblivious to all I don’t say because I don’t shout my every depressive thought in this space (and have to largely keep to myself every burden I am carrying because practically ALL of them involve others and while I’m involved, they’re not just my stories so I am not at liberty to divulge or even hint at anything). So how are you really to know? We’re not all mind readers, that would be largely spiritually unethical of us even for those who can…
It’s the nature of this caper. My unwillingness to cross “that” line and make private things public is what shoots me in the foot when I really could do with the support of a community that I KNOW is so supportive.
It’s not until I’ve become sick that I have had time to lie down during the day and realise…. it would appear nobody actually gives a shit about anybody in this online “reality”. Not really. Unless you are in front of people’s faces ALL the damn time in this social media-driven New World, or you have established a tangible friendship with someone away from blogging, a blogger could drop off the face of the Earth and you’d not realise. Rather, the blogger would not realise you’ve noticed they stopped posting unless you held a hand out every so often and said “Hey. I notice you’re not around much any more.”
It’s not that I need to take a break from blogging – that old cliché! The point is, I’m really tired. I feel drained of giving, giving, giving. While I’m keeping the plates spinning in life, I’m also continuing to pour myself into something (my blog, writing) that I love. When things are so draining offline, I feel the radio silence on my blog more keenly because I’ve used this as a tool over the years to draw comfort from supportive people. And this feeling of silence extends to Twitter and Facebook attempts to connect with “followers” now – why follow a person if you’re never intending to chat or even say hi?
What is happening to the world? Are we really getting better at this communication thing? Or worse?
It does disappoint me, too, that because I’m not a “brand blogger”, I appear to have been stranded by the wayside. Because I have been frank about the fact that I won’t blog for payment, I no longer get invited to the usual blogger events – I hasten to add that I don’t expect to be – but the down side of it is, because I don’t get invited, I don’t go (obviously) and because I don’t go, I can’t see other bloggers. This widens the familiarity gap further. It’s a penalty I can no longer deny. But there’s little I can do to change it, I’m afraid.
My blog is not one that works terribly well with many brands, let’s face it. Unlike some personal blogs, mine does have a specific overriding focus. There’s not terribly many miscarriage clinics (or the likes) looking for some cheap advertising, I’m tipping…. So I keep my sights about working with brands extremely small. I do only what really fills my soul: Music, orchestra and theatre, basically. That’s about it. Again, I’m happy with that.
But I’m not happy with this feeling of being on the outer, simply because I have been honest.
And might I add, totally unprompted and unsolicited and with slightest tongue in cheek, this post has been made possible today by a Lemsip blackcurrant flavoured cold & flu hot sipping drink. Without it, I wouldn’t be upright at this very moment. Nor would I be able to snuggle back into my blanket on my pozzy on the couch and get back to work as I’m about to do.
Oh look… I’ve written another post that’s just kissing the 1,000 word ceiling. Another apparent no-no. Meh. Who’s even counting? If you’re not reading this, you’re certainly not counting so why do I care so much?