Today, a little (big) rant. I have ranty pants on. My long ones. That go right to my ankles. If you’re yawning already, please do yourself a favour and move along right now. This is not the blog you’re looking for….
My second day with an exhausting strain of your typical winter cold. Aches, chills, runny nose from sinuses so blocked you’re stumped as to how anything could actually have any fluidic movement through them.
Truth be told, I’ve been rundown for a while. Emotionally more than physically. The more astute long-term reader notices this, I know. I have been dealing with things “offline” that have drawn my attentions away – serious family illness/diagnoses, supporting loved ones needing supporting, trials and tribulations of this new “career” of mine as a School Mum and an unusually busy workload that hasn’t let up since the first quarter of the year…. I’m just keeping abreast of it all.
I’ve certainly been struggling for a number of months and I’m feeling more than a tad invisible. It’s hard, as I am aware you’re only oblivious to all I don’t say because I don’t shout my every depressive thought in this space (and have to largely keep to myself every burden I am carrying because practically ALL of them involve others and while I’m involved, they’re not just my stories so I am not at liberty to divulge or even hint at anything). So how are you really to know? We’re not all mind readers, that would be largely spiritually unethical of us even for those who can…
It’s the nature of this caper. My unwillingness to cross “that” line and make private things public is what shoots me in the foot when I really could do with the support of a community that I KNOW is so supportive.
It’s not until I’ve become sick that I have had time to lie down during the day and realise…. it would appear nobody actually gives a shit about anybody in this online “reality”. Not really. Unless you are in front of people’s faces ALL the damn time in this social media-driven New World, or you have established a tangible friendship with someone away from blogging, a blogger could drop off the face of the Earth and you’d not realise. Rather, the blogger would not realise you’ve noticed they stopped posting unless you held a hand out every so often and said “Hey. I notice you’re not around much any more.”
It’s not that I need to take a break from blogging – that old cliché! The point is, I’m really tired. I feel drained of giving, giving, giving. While I’m keeping the plates spinning in life, I’m also continuing to pour myself into something (my blog, writing) that I love. When things are so draining offline, I feel the radio silence on my blog more keenly because I’ve used this as a tool over the years to draw comfort from supportive people. And this feeling of silence extends to Twitter and Facebook attempts to connect with “followers” now – why follow a person if you’re never intending to chat or even say hi?
What is happening to the world? Are we really getting better at this communication thing? Or worse?
It does disappoint me, too, that because I’m not a “brand blogger”, I appear to have been stranded by the wayside. Because I have been frank about the fact that I won’t blog for payment, I no longer get invited to the usual blogger events – I hasten to add that I don’t expect to be – but the down side of it is, because I don’t get invited, I don’t go (obviously) and because I don’t go, I can’t see other bloggers. This widens the familiarity gap further. It’s a penalty I can no longer deny. But there’s little I can do to change it, I’m afraid.
My blog is not one that works terribly well with many brands, let’s face it. Unlike some personal blogs, mine does have a specific overriding focus. There’s not terribly many miscarriage clinics (or the likes) looking for some cheap advertising, I’m tipping…. So I keep my sights about working with brands extremely small. I do only what really fills my soul: Music, orchestra and theatre, basically. That’s about it. Again, I’m happy with that.
But I’m not happy with this feeling of being on the outer, simply because I have been honest.
And might I add, totally unprompted and unsolicited and with slightest tongue in cheek, this post has been made possible today by a Lemsip blackcurrant flavoured cold & flu hot sipping drink. Without it, I wouldn’t be upright at this very moment. Nor would I be able to snuggle back into my blanket on my pozzy on the couch and get back to work as I’m about to do.
Oh look… I’ve written another post that’s just kissing the 1,000 word ceiling. Another apparent no-no. Meh. Who’s even counting? If you’re not reading this, you’re certainly not counting so why do I care so much?
LOVE YA Get better soon <33333333333333333333333333333333
well I know YOU do! xxx I am trying (to get better), but this thing just had a mind of its own and got me despite all my garlic consumption in the first 24 hours…. In other news, NO vampires in sight….
Hi Kirrily,
I like you and your writing, I even read right to the end.
Fresh lemon juice and orange juice with a bit of honey warmed but not too much and all the pulpy bits. My mother didn’t make that for me, just a motherly type I worked with once.
Be well,
oxo
Hee hee, bless your cotton socks. Someone reads and reads right to the end *heart is filled* As luck would have it, I have both a lemon and an orange tree. May just go venture out into the weak sunshine with my shaky self and be my own nurturing mother xxx Thank you.
Your own nurturing mother; the holy grail of maturity…
Ain’t that the truth!
I can completely relate with regard to the blogging communication black hole. I had declared my blog a non-PR-friendly-zone more than a year ago and so have been slipping off the social scene for a while now. I continue to comment on my friend’s blogs and despite posting on my own blog more frequently recently, and about exciting stuff RENOVATIONS! My blog is still empty of comments and I have to admit, it makes me feel sad. Sometimes I wonder why I still bother and then I remember…… My reasons for not monetizing my blog are because it’s a personal blog, a journal, a way to stay in touch with friends and family who live away, not a brand or a business or a social hub, it’s just a blog. So then I say stuff it all and start writing for me again. To record our memories, to share my photos. Not sure what else I can add except I don’t think I am getting it right either but I am really not sure what to change to find the balance.
Yes yes yes! I hear you. All the same reasons, just different matters. Renovations! That was me 3 yrs ago! It’s sad to feel yourself slipping off the social scene, as you so aptly put it. But there’s nothing else for it, for I cannot ‘pretend’, just for the sake of being out there amongst it. I can’t do it with clear conscience! So I am back to the same cyclical drawing board as yourself. I just need to accept and let go of the whole contact/communication thing. Sigh. Maybe one day I’ll feel ok with blogging into the cavernous, largely unresponsive www! It’s been 8 yrs and counting so I won’t hold my breath….
I understand where you are coming from even though I am not a blogger.With all I have been going through with me teenage daughter and my mum in a nursing home I have gone days without going on twitter and no one notices and ask ruok.Makes me sad at times but then I tell myself we all have busy lives with our own troubles and worries and it doesnt mean people dont care.They are just trying to cope with their own life,just like me.
I care about you hon and want you to know I admire that you keep others in your life private from your blog.
Also I want you to know you are an inspiration with all the good you do with your blog.
You are not here to make money but to journal and to help so many others through your posts.
Please be so very proud of yourself for that.
When I dont hear from a blogger for awhile I kind of dont think it is my place to say something as I am not part of the blogging community and I dont want to appear nosey.I hope those I follow like your wonderful self know I am always here if needed….even though I am not a blogger but just a tweeter.
I hope you realise how much you and your blog means to others and the good you have done.
I believe it doesnt matter how many comments anyone gets on their blog so long as they get joy and comfort in writing and knowing that maybe they will help even one person out there who reads their words.
I can honestly say you have helped me along the way and for that I want to say a big thankyou.
You are a very special person and I wish that whenever you feel down and wonder if your blogging is worth it,look back over the comments from the past and know you HAVE made a DIFFERENCE.
Big hugs of gratitude.xx
I appreciate that, Deby. I get that it’s also very much to do with everyone having so much going on. We all have big things to deal with, no question! (you’ve had more than your fair share for so long xxx) Perhaps it’s a case of Murphy’s Law and not quite hitting the mark at the right time on the right day…. Social networking is so fleeting and transient like that! I’m ok. And I’m not fishing, promise
I’m just very very despondent (because I’m sick, I daresay) but they’re relevant points, nonetheless.
Blogging is a weird beast. It can feel like a place to connect, but it really is a superficial kind of connection. There can be real support and real compassion from readers, I don’t mean to discount that. But readers who have never met us are not fast and true friends. They know only our writing (which can be very intimate and therefore be a window into our soul) but that’s not the same thing as knowing us as a friend. It’s not the same thing as sitting down next to us and really getting a sense for who we are. I found that out the hard way — that blogging relationships can be superficial. Now I don’t expect friendship from readers. I expect them only to respond to what I’ve posted (if they happen to see it, which, in a busy world may not happen). I realize this may all sound a bit jaded. I probably would have thought so had I read it two years ago. I don’t think it’s jaded, it just realistic. Our families and our close IRL friends are the ones who will be there for us when we need help. Our readers are beautiful people who pop in and out of our worlds as their time permits, just as we pop in and out of theirs through their blogs. If a blogging relationship blossoms into an IRL friendship, as ours has, then all the better. Hope you’re feeling better soon. x
I do agree with all you’ve said. Perhaps it’s the reach to other bloggers that I see slipping away or moving beyond my reach that I am reacting against. I have a choice, I can go the way of the brand-blog relationship. But it doesn’t fit with my “voice” or my true message. So I remain, with only my voice (that window to the soul you accurately identified) as do we all who write on a blog with similar intention – that of writing it out.
I maintain that the divide seems to be widening (completely unintentionally I am certain) because of the invitees who are not getting along to these things. I’m on the outer. I’m ok there, I promise. There are many other bloggers in the same outer circle. It just kinda smarts sometimes to realise that there’s not more opportunities to meet up with bloggers unless you’re prepared to go “the brand-aligned way” on your blog. Know what I mean?
I feel the same way you do about… well, everything, actually! I’m not run down with it all, but all of these thoughts are thoughts that I have too. I can’t stress enough how superficial this world has become and blogging is no better or no worse than anywhere else. I love the acquaintances I’ve met online, but they can really only ever be acquaintances because we don’t have the space or time in our lives to meet up enough to be in each others’ lives in a meaningful way. That’s where our ‘real community’ comes in and it’s important to know that I you can open yourself up to them as much as you ever have to the blogging community.
I would notice if you dropped off. It might take me a few days because I don’t get over here as often as I’d like, but I’d get there eventually!!
In the meantime, you need a plan to get over your slump, my love. What are you going to do?
x
For sure, my “offline” support people know everything I’ve ever expressed online! Always safest and for me, the healthier way to be. I’m not one of those “nobody in my real life knows I have a blog” people…. it’s a great way to keep me on the diplomatic straight and narrow, if nothing else, being assured anyone who knows me knows where to find me
I’m waiting to watch with interest the next wave of paid writers who blog so that I have a better handle on the opportunities out there. One of my biggest aims was to build an audience for my book…. but I’ve so far not been pushy or loud enough in the right ears (it seems counter-intuitive, given the subject matter/nature of the message in said book, to do it that way). And I suppose along the way my ‘audience’, or what’s left of it, will have to suffer these outbursts of frustration I have until it all aligns and I get over myself for being so passive and “what will be will be” about… everything! x I appreciate your support, I truly do. xxx
The world has really changed, in so many ways. Some days I don’t know whether I am more empowered, or stiffled more!
I hear you. Absolutely. xxxx
Reading a blog is not the same as connecting with the blogger. I think most of the time people just read other people’s blog because (a) they like the writing or (mostly) (b) they hope that person will come back and read theirs. Very occasionally, very rarely, the sense of connection does occur. It is not commonplace. Maybe because the very nature of it is so special that is the way it should be. You’re one of the few bloggers I ache to meet. One of the few that, if I don’t hear from for a while, I get worried or little nagging nudges in my instincts to chase you up. But it is the few – the people like you – that make the whole worthwhile. That make me feel like, yeah, their are real people out there who feel and care and are brave enough to say so. x
Brave… or possibly stupid. Sometimes I feel like I have a blogging death-wish. But as I always say, I am as I am.
I have dreams of sharing a conversation over a coffee with you and the lovely Karen.
The feeling is mutual, Steve. One day
I feel your pain. I’m invited to some things but with no babysitting & living an hour from the city means I have to decline more often then not, so the invitations aren’t coming in anymore. My comments have gone from at least five on each post to none. I don’t know why.
It’s hard to not feel on the outer when it happens and harder still to pretend that you don’t notice or that you don’t care. I do all the wrong things too. But I guess we’ll both just struggle on.
Much live xx
Sarah, you do get it! I can tell. I’m sure there are plenty of bloggers in a similar boat. But… you know me: I feel compelled to voice the elephant in the room!
Hey Sarah, just wanted to say that I’ve noticed comments falling off on a lot of blogs I read. I imagine it speaks to the explosion of blogs in the Aussie blogging community. It’s no longer such a small world. I miss those days when so many of us were newbies and it felt like a tighter group. Ah well, everything changes. x
Much LIVE that should be
Grrrrr IPhones suck!! Love not live
Hello you! I see you when I see me. No, not a riddle! Just connecting to say, yep, I get it!
But you know what, more than anything I love to read & connect here with you as you write so passionately Nd with a great love for, and respect of the English language.
Teacher-me knows you are awesome.
Mother & Grandmother -me agrees.
But mostly, you can have a convo with me anytime, and I will listen. Thanks for being here!
BTW, I get down, down when I get sick, sick… Hugs xx
Denyse, I should’ve stopped days ago. I only have myself to blame. I’m taking time to properly refuel and heal, there’s no point soldiering on if we feel depleted. Thank you so much. To the teacher, mother and grandmother that make up some of the parts of you! xxx
I don’t have a blog….but I do understand all too well feelings associated with being over-whelmed, isolated etc and especially understand how hard it all seems sometimes when you are unwell and worn down by life. I just wanted to tell you that your post ‘We are all connected: Tears on a Branch” was one of the things that so helped me with my recent (second) miscarriage…I often think of your words when I look out of my window and see the raindrops on the branch of my bare cherry blossom tree…bare but still fertile with the memory of past blossoms and those yet to bloom. The other day when I was looking at that tree, remembering your words, my four year old gave me a hug and said out of the blue ‘are you missing someone, mama.’ Your words are beautiful, honest, and meaningful and give voice to some of life’s most difficult circumstances. I would love to your book become successful if thats what you want. In the meantime, never forgot how important your words and stories hold for those of us who have suffered some kind of baby loss and who are grieving – I know its not all of who you are….but it has helped me – and I’m sure others – enormously.
Comments like these keep me going. And refocus my reason for holding this space here. A profuse thank you for taking the time to come out and share your experience here, Joanna. I am really sorry to read of your loss. Your 4yo sounds amazing, what a gift of a thing to say xx
I’d notice.
How you feeling? Hope you are on the improve. This winter has been a shocker for flu. I’ve had Aston off since thursday. Hoping that it’s going to by past me this time round. Have too much to do.
Comments… I rarely get comments on my posts. But that little stat recorder tells me someone is looking at my posts. When I feel like I’m getting too caught up in the stats, and other stuff, I remind myself that I blog for me. I liked Tina’s idea recently about a blog alliance… Which I read as blog friendships to be honest. I would love to connect more with other bloggers other then online. I have found in other online arenas that the online component only “feeds” my connection for so long, then I want to connect further. If that makes sense…
Don’t stop being authentic Hun. Keep being YOU. This is your voice. Use it the way that makes you feel comfortable. Xoxoxo
Hey Vicky, thanks so much. I’m getting better. The sun has been so healing this week! I am literally sitting IN it (the sunshine…) to work. That’s just it, I can’t stop being authentic and Being Me
I think that’s what makes it very difficult. Once you are being yourself, there really is nowhere to hide. So if you’re pissing/talking/typing into the virtual wind, it feels very stark and cold sometimes. That’s a whole other blog post in and of itself, I think!