How many times have we been told to “be nice” and “play nice” growing up? How often do we use the word with our children?
Sometimes the word “nice” slips past my lips, usually when I am indicating to the LGBB that something or someone “wasn’t very nice, was it?” and then I hear myself and think, What do I actually mean by that? So then, behaviourally-responsible perfectionist that I am, I have to go back over what I’m trying to express to my child (I know, I exhaust me too). Use a different descriptive word, something tangible and identifiable. To give her something a little more substantial than the word “nice”, which can mean so much. Or so little.
Here’s the thing: I prefer people to get dark and dirty than to be “nice”. Personally, I see “nice” as very bland, as a word and as a concept. When you scratch off a couple of layers of anyone – especially the self-proclaimed nice people – you see that there are multi-dimensional facets that wouldn’t necessarily be called “nice” even on a good day. But I prefer that. That is real to me. Being nice… well, it simply isn’t.
Recently, I experienced a bit of an emotional blow. It sent me reeling. What I thought was sure and solid and reliable has actually turned out not to be. My expectations of someone close to me rested on the fact that I had thought they were “too nice” to be capable of such a breach of my trust. Things are still turned on their head and time will unfold the next stage of this situation, hopefully healing it. But all I know for sure right now is that I would rather someone be honest with the thoughts that go on in their heads than attempt to be nice.
The thing I always trip over is that the most syrupy of energies, and/or the ones that evvvveryone seems to refer to as “nice”, can also be the ones harbouring the most (private) judgement of others. When I see someone coming who has a clear persona of being outspoken or opinionated… at least I know where I stand.
The worst kind of betrayal is that of being let down by someone I thought truly loved me and whom I could trust not to let me down. Not again. When that is blown wide open, well, all bets are off. And most certainly, the veneer of “nice” is also dissolved. So NOW we can get down and dirty, when we’re exposed and there’s nowhere else to hide. Warts and all. The ugly face of the witch. This is what I’m here for: to connect with that. Not with Princess Perfectia of Fakedom. Isn’t that better? Isn’t that consuming far less of your energy?
source
And who says nice is better anyway? Why does “evil” have to be the opposite of nice? Further, why does it even have to be negative?? Take those nice masks off. Let’s get real. We’ve one life to live. Who in their right mind wants to live it in such a closed-down insincere manner?
I know where I stand with someone who is open with who they really are, warts and all. Give me the witch any day. At least she knows herself and isn’t afraid to show it.
I’m not a fan of nice either. I’m surprised how many people are though. Staying friends with people they actively dislike, being anything but nice behind their backs and then lovely to their faces. Too much energy involvement for me. I was really saddened recently when I stood up and decided not to be friends with someone who had betrayed our friendship group, and most of the others, who spoke terribly of this person behind his back, came out to defend him as a fabulous and loyal friend, and said I was awful one for not being nice. Honestly, what is gained by that? Why be “nice”? I think in the long run it’s worse – he’s now surrounded by “friends” who talk shit about him constantly when he isn’t there. I’d rather know where I stand too. Sorry for the essay, lots of thoughts in my head today xx
Trae, this makes me respect you even more. **fist bump**
Note to self: get eyes checked next time I get ears checked. Thought that said “fat bump”.
Oh K, I’m so sorry you had the experience of betrayal like that, from someone you trusted. That is gutting. I’ve been there too. It was awful. I so agree with you. I don’t trust ‘always nice’. I know a lot of people that are nice to someone’s face when I know for a fact they don’t like the person. That makes me really uncomfortable. I think people who do that are really afraid of either being rejected or seen as the bad guy. They want the public perception of being kind and friendly, while snarking away behind everyone’s back. Ultimately, it’s a show of powerlessness. I’d always, always, always, just rather know the truth, even if it’s hard to hear. Hugs to you. xo
I agree with you, Kristin. I would always rather know the truth too. Trust levels having been dashed, now begins faith in hoping for a new direction for this particular relationship. I wouldn’t like to see it end. But there is a lot of groundwork by the other person to do. My job for now is simply to remain open and see what happens. Sigh. SO didn’t need this right now though!
“Nice” is a sham. It is a cloak and a disguise and very often a euphemism for concepts that aren’t very nice at all but in the moment we don’t want to describe the all the details… much easier to say “be nice” or “so-and-so wasn’t very nice”. I often think nice is a secret expletive.
It’s one of the most overused swear words there is.
Nice is a nothing word. It goes with fine.
They are foul language in disguise.
Give me real any day. Nice, not so much.
‘Nice’ is so boring, don’t you think? There is nothing to admire or appreciate about ‘nice’. This doesn’t mean to say I prefer shit-heads or for people to be cruel! A person can be deep, honest and generous (which are more descriptive words to define the general ‘nice’ so often bandied about) and exceedingly kind every minute of every day of their life and still not be ‘nice’… Does that make sense?
Oh kirrily , I’ve been there too , I had to let go of one on my closest friends last year. She betrayed my trust in a.’deal breaker’ way , I had put up with lots of crap behavior because I thought I should be nice . Turns out once the trust was cracked so many other betrayals came to light , nasty things that I would never have dreamt of . In the attempt to be ‘nice’ I hung on to a friendship far too long. Makes me question my own judgment you know?!? Now, if you can’t be honest and straight with me , and if you can’t keep your lips shut instead of sharing my life with the world then keep walking , cos I’m not buying anymore . I hope this situation resolves for you somehow but sadly it can never be as it was.. Eyes wide open now xxxx
Yep, definitely a ‘no going back’ moment. Sad part is, we have been here before. Almost exactly the same place. And now I’m thinking, more fool me…
But I’m nice most of the time.
=(
Am I still allowed to be nice if I promise to be other things too?
Your nice too Kirrily… cant we have a reclamation of the term ‘nice’?
Hannah, I reckon we can do better than nice! Let ‘em keep “nice” and we can move on to more descriptive, accurate words to describe character and disposition
Yes Kirrily
*hangs head*
(just realised my willingness to settle for nice is a bit boring, then after writing an epic reply about scones with jam and cream, I realised I think I’m actually boring, but I’m not, so I stopped writing my amazing metaphor)
=P
ox
You’re bloody fantastic.
You mentioned scones with jam and cream, though. I am unsure if this is cruel or kind. (See? No “nice” to be found! It can be avoided!)