Hey! ‘s been a while! You know you’ve been off your blog for a long time when you have to log in for the first time in almost forever and you forget the password.
So much to say, so little headspace to tell it. I seem to still get grabs of things that would be so good to share. Then the moment escapes me. Or the nerve eludes me when I get the moment. Or the thought doesn’t come back when I have my hands at the keyboard.
So I haven’t bothered.
Most of my distractions of late have been work, ill health, work, recuperating after the death of a loved one, more work, school issues and… yeah, a bit more work. To be honest, for the first time in my years blogging, to have spent much time doing any writing would have felt grossly selfish.
What appears to have happened, on the back of a ridiculously refreshing week-long sojourn down the coast at the end of July, is perfect timing. Those clever stars have aligned once again. On the drive to the LGBB’s new school this morning, we pondered the sequence of events that led to her coming here – to the new school, I mean – and how amazing it was that “where one door closes, somewhere a window is opened” (to paraphrase Maria’s Mother Superior).
We received a “no” that sent us on a search and we didn’t have to look far for our “yes”.
Dust is still settling, but I have to say, my girl is coming back. There is not so much of the dark circles, grey face that had begun to descend upon her. Nothing specifically had caused it but a mother knows. Her light had dimmed somewhat. And truthfully, mine had started to as well. I felt a bit stifled where we were, for it is never just a simple case of you dropping your child off and picking them up from school – the whole vibe of a place, at least for the LGBB and me, seeps in and permeates everything including your home life.
I had begun to hide around corners. Stop myself from speaking my truth. Avoided involving myself in entire areas of my daughter’s daytime existence. It was similar to being back at high school, exposed and vulnerable, and I had thought I was immune to it. Turns out, if the environment doesn’t suit you, you are affected. You become affected. Nobody is immune to that. And you can either move with it and change yourself to fit in or you can shuffle along and find the better fit… for you.
I’ve never made a move like that before. I’m the type who goes down with the sinking ship, loyal and stalwart to the end. But this was not about me. This was about my child. I had to put on my big girl shoes and walk in and do the deed after she had made the decision to move schools. I thought I might self-combust at the idea they might think I was deserting, defecting. So be it, I had to say to myself. This is not about you! And I found I had to do quite a bit of reassuring of others as well, that this was “not about them”.
Aren’t we funny sometimes, us humans?
So here we are, embracing a brand new atmosphere. Lolly told me the other night that she is most happy just walking around outside, joining this group or that, and making no specific friend (yet, anyway). We knew it. I knew the moment we saw the place that no matter what, the trees and the green would look after her. She is warming her new nest, nurtured now by the natural environment that her school is nestled amongst. And strangely, lately I feel compelled to create again. I have just finished painting on canvas for the first time in about six years. I’ve begun developing an idea for a new blog, where I will share my Earth work and findings, a space completely different from this one. But more on that another time when it’s found its feet a little more.
It feels brand new. It feels very good. We fit much better in all our spaces now. For the moment.
I’m looking forward very much to a good Spring clean in a few (hopefully short) weeks when the chill leaves the air.