My name is Kirrily. I write on my blog about myself, my family, our pets and whatever strikes me as important. My family are my husband, Steve, our daughters (Ellanor, who passed away as a baby in 2004, and our Lolly Gobble Bliss Bomb – the LGBB) and my precious dogs, Pepper (who recently passed away after serving us loyally for 17 years) and Jazz. There’s a cat called Tabitha around here somewhere too but we only see her when she wants to be fed.
Despite our history of recurrent miscarriage and, of course, Ellanor’s untimely death, I feel SO lucky. I found the love of my life in 1992 when I was 17 (he was 20), we got married in 1999 and have been a tight team ever since. Pretty lucky, that, because…
Steve has a balanced translocation. While we seem to have no trouble getting pregnant, retaining a pregnancy has so far proven almost impossible. In short, we have one surviving child so far from fourteen pregnancies.
We tried PGD twice in ’05, yielded really average results, spent thousands of dollars on just two cycles and came away with only a chemical pregnancy for all our efforts. We decided we could lose pregnancies on our own for zero financial expense so we stopped IVF and kept trying to conceive by ourselves. I fell pregnant naturally the following month with our only surviving child to date, another daughter. Our little Lolly Gobble Bliss Bomb (aka Lolly or The LGBB, for the purpose of this blog) arrived in 2006 – and NO… she did not happen just because we relaxed OR because we tried IVF first! Just so we’re clear…
So far, our lives are full to the brim with one miraculous daughter and the enduring memories of another. Where Ellanor’s unending light guides us, our surviving daughter here on Earth shines her light to fill every corner of our world.
Sounds like a story that would make a pretty interesting book, doesn’t it…. So that’s why I’ve written it! I have written a book of our experiences, including Ellanor’s story and my communication with her both before and after she was conceived and born. The result is my memoir, “Having & Holding Ellanor” and you can read more about it here. I have begun sending out the manuscript to publishers and agents.
Our journey has taught me to learn from the big things, be open to sharing pure love more often, and to see everything and everyone as important/connected. I write here to expose the taboo of neonatal loss, miscarriage, infertility and parenting after loss of a child. I write here to set things straight in my own mind, to work out who I am, what I stand for. I write here to vent about being a mum, a wife, a citizen sometimes. I write here to hold onto my sense of humour and be silly. And I don’t mind if anyone reads!
Come join me on this blog and take a look around, it’ll be… changeable!