Originally posted on Sunny Side Up, December, 2007
I was just really drawn to post these pictures. It’s incredibly hard to do. But I need to put them here. This blog is for her. It’s all for her. I don’t share these images lightly. They are private. I used to recoil at the tubes. They actually physically hurt me to see them in her, attached to her, keeping her alive like I knew I could not.
I miss my baby. She went straight from being my baby to being my guiding force so fast that I never got to properly experience it all. I mean, I was there but I wasn’t all there.
And I cry for her. I haven’t cried in so long for her. But I just miss her terribly. People don’t think I’d cry these days, I suppose. I talk of Ellanor as if she’s reconciled in my heart. But Ellanor my friend and part-time partner in good work/deeds is also always Ella my tiny, tiny lost baby girl. And I’m not supposed to cry for her, in some people’s skewed reality I’m not supposed to even mention her. I have Lolly now.
Nobody mentions her. Nobody whom I expected should, anyway.
I thought I could do it, I thought I could keep her alive in their hearts if only I kept talking about her like I do. But why are so many people unreachable? It hurts so incredibly sometimes.
People often, often seem perturbed by my apparent lack of verve or jolliness. I am tired of explaining. I don’t really ever connect much of my overshadowing glumness to that of losing her and all that brought with it. But is it really necessary to explain myself?
Sometimes, sure, I wish I had more children. But it’s futile and infantile to believe that might dilute the pain. It wouldn’t. And I know it.
If you’re going to come with me on this, I need to show you the physical Ella. To ground it all in reality. This is her. How we first met her. And this is why I put myself “out there” like I do. If it wasn’t for Ellanor, you wouldn’t have a clue who I was – I am reclusive and private and an introverted extrovert… but I share her with you, for her.
I vowed as soon as she lived and died that I would not take her short life in vain. So here I am, you’ll have to take me as you find me *wan, shy grin*