This was originally posted on October 23, 2009 – it’s one of those Bigger Picture posts that was time to bring back out and ponder. So here it is, freshly dug up and republished.
I have this friend at the moment who is presenting a lesson for me. It got me thinking yesterday, as I mopped the floors (oooh don’t I sound all domesticated), about how people present themselves in my life in order for me to gather information – not so much about them, for that happens as a matter of course and friendship – pertinent to learning more about who I am and how I act and react, how I “hold up” and how centred I am. This learning is synonymous with the colour Red.
It’s an interesting thing I have come to recognise. Where once I never realised how many similar friends I had in my circle, who I would allow to sap, push, pull and mould me, I can now see a definite course through my (at least adult) life; that there are those who have been a familiar “type” and these are the ones who always used to undo me at ten paces.
In my study at Peace Space of both the 13 Human Perceptional Levels (via colour rays) and the deeper aspects of the psychological, ego and psyche via the Masters Colours, I’ve been learning that we get tested (and how). We are given tests of agility, stamina, our will and just how sound that is…. and sometimes, the test feels endless: “Have you got that yet? Have you got that yet?” For instance, it is, mostly, the colour Magenta that will support you through this kind of repetitive lesson (also the colour of Mother love, unconditional Universal love), the vibration that will be recognisable within these lessons and be the ‘cruel to be kind’ teacher. Hey, it’s no coincidence my username (elsewhere) is what it is. It is a constant reminder, to me, that my journey to parenthood was a “Got it yet??” series of agonising months and years stringed together. And that it wasn’t merely about how well I held up while we waited and lost, waited and lost, over and over. No. There was untold learning in my lesson/s during that stage of my life. Hence, my online moniker in certain communities.
So I have this friend here at the moment. And I am keen to rush in and do and say what I normally would. Take the current crisis on as partially my own to carry with that friend, I suppose. But I have seen a pattern in these crises, as well, and I can’t ignore that now that I see it. I’m left pondering the ebbs and flows of people reaching out (and whether they are really asking for help or simply needing to be heard) and what I duty I have as friend to not only them, but to myself.
It’s an interesting thing, sitting still. OOH, gosh, I just realised something about that previous post and the card the LGBB gave me. Hmmmmm, maybe there was something not so random in that after all! Because I spent much of the afternoon yesterday, while I was cleaning, thinking about how my inaction may be perceived just letting it be as it will be this time, without even rushing in to smooth things over or defend myself for not giving more and all the rest of it.
Preservation of the Self first. It’s the most important thing, more important than giving, to me (for giving comes so naturally that I have had to recognise it more consciously)* – I have come to see that, since Ellanor came along – it’s been one of the biggest lessons for me out of losing her. Me, looking out for me. I never really did it before knowing her. And if she had stayed, I still wouldn’t have done it. Not that it’s a good enough reason, on its own, to lose my child. Of course! But it’s definitely in that suitcase of gifts that I rummage around in. I’ve tried so many things on from that suitcase and almost everything fits so far. What a lucky girl am I, to have it.
Have you ever found yourself waking up and realising you have unwittingly become a rescuer? What did/do you do? What’s your pattern? (You can email me if you like, if you want to share but not online – I’m always ears… er, eyes…)
* not that I’ve quite got that lesson, for I still don’t always recognise what I give and when, although I do now notice the sapping/draining/leeching of energy feeling and, I regret to say, sometimes that happens with my posts here which is why I often don’t post what I was going to, when I really need to conserve my energy is when you see a barrage of funny posts here.